Mormon, Mo' Problems

The weather’s getting warmer and we all know what that means: grilling, flip-flops, Frisbee and of course, Mormons. Every year when the temperature rises they descend upon campuses nationwide like God-fearing vultures, trying to convert every coed they pass on the sidewalk. Avoiding them is an art, and like any art, you can learn it in 5 minutes if you follow a few short tips:

1. Avoid eye contact at all costs. Look down and walk as close as you can behind another person. Missionaries, like recently revived coma patients, tend to latch onto the first person they see.

2. Always wear headphones. If they’re not attached to anything, sing along to your imaginary song while you walk. If they ask what you’re listening to, say something like “Mormon Mo’ Problems” by Mormon Moe and the Moanin’ Mormons.

3. If you find yourself cornered, make up your own religion and be even more enthusiastic than your captors. Try to convert them to “Squirrelology” or “Keystoneism”. If they ask to hear more about your religion, start screaming and flailing your arms and run off. Then, take a look at yourself. What are you doing, screaming and flailing like that? If only you had some direction, some meaning in your life.

4. To throw them off the track, dust off that Spanish-English dictionary you’ve never opened and make a new Book of Mormon cover for it with gold Sharpie and construction paper. If they ask who gave it to you, say Bob or John (they have to know at least one Bob or John). Of course, you could always just purchase your own copy of the Book of Mormon. It’s actually a fairly interesting read. In fact, I have a copy you can borrow, if you’d like. Why don’t you borrow it?

5. Consider accepting the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as your Church, and living your life by Joseph Smith’s 13 Articles of Faith. Our faith is different from the tired traditions in that it comes of the witness of a prophet in this dispensation who saw before him the great God of the universe and His Beloved Son, the resurrected Lord Jesus Christ. Here, it’s all in this pamphlet.