Intro to Threesomes

Never mind the bottle of tequila, pleading, and bribery it took to convince your partners; the planets have aligned and you’re in the position to nab a threesome. Men worldwide are starting a slow clap in your honor. Before you start celebrating, remember a successful threesome always depends on the girl/ guy ratio.

Guy + Girl + Girl:

This is ideal for the man. If one lucky lady is your girlfriend, run it by her before the hooker pops out of your closet. Just a thought. Also, be sure the third party is a “guest star,” meaning not one of her close friends. Preferably a classy gal you meet at a frat party, the more intoxicatedthe better. Bonus points if she’s puking.

Drawbacks: You’re nervous about her liking it, you never expected her to really like it. “Aww, yeah babe you two are really hot….let me get in there…hey, stop pushing me off the bed…ok it’s cool, I’ll just watch… I’ll be over here if you need me.” Next thing you know, your girlfriend has left you for April and they live together in a loft downtown.

Guy + Guy + Girl:

It’s best if all parties involved are just friends. That way, you won’t lose sleep thinking about how your girlfriend never made that face when you two got busy. The men involved must be very close friends to rule out the awkward. That way you can laugh uncomfortably about how you crossed swords. Set ground rules: DP, yes or no? Simultaneous facials, go or no go? Unless it’s from the girl, keep dirty talk to a minimum. The only phrases the men should utter are, “Dude! Stop looking at me,” “Your balls better not touch mine,” and “My turn!”

Drawbacks: Plenty, mainly the dreaded aforementioned crossing of swords. It’s likely you’ll wake up hungover and possibly spooning the other male. The bedroom looks like Vietnam, a complete disaster. Condoms and wrappers strewn about the floor, empty bottle of Jack, fitted sheet spinning from the ceiling fan, and one of the guys in the shower, trying to scrub away memorya la The Crying Game.

Girl + Girl + Girl

This only exists in your mind. Keep the dream alive, brother.