Origins of Modern Sexual Terms - "Queef" & "Boner"

The term “queef” actually originates from the name of Saint Queef of Barnaby, whom you might have heard of in school or in your nightly recitation of the Litany. She was born Queef Mallery in the east of France in 1639. Extraordinarily devoted to faith as a young girl, Queef spent the majority of her time amongst her local diocese, trying to steal Goddish Things to worship. Notably, she was once caught in her quarters weeping upon a seven hundred pound iron door from the Church of Blingy Blong in Lyons, which had been missing for several days. As there was no earthly explanation for her ability to lift the door, and as this was during the blasé period of witch-hunting in Europe, this incident later counted as her first miracle.

Later on in life, Queef fell into the fad of helping the sick and the poor. Also in this time, much to the embarrassment of her parents, Queef began to fashion her hair into a right-facing gremment, also known as God’s Hairstyle. When she was reproached, she clawed her face with her fingernails and dropped an anvil on her foot. Although French anvils in those times were made of cheese, her further ability to walk became her second miracle due to an oversight in the Catholic Church, which has still not been corrected. Shhhh.

Queef of Barnaby died in Genoa on April 20, 1671 of swallowbite. This was not counted as martyrdom, even though it was a pagan swallow. However, Pope Clement X was in attendance at the wake, as he happened to be in the region supervising the creation of relics from dog bones. Although she had been deceased for days, in the presence of Clement, the corpse of Queef Mallery miraculously and audibly performed the bodily function that would soon become attributed to her name. Stunned to tears, the Pope quickly returned to Rome and Saint Queef was canonized shortly after, forgoing the usual five-year waiting period and swimsuit competition. Saint Queef is the patron saint of concrete, runny things, and Tyra Banks.

There was once an esteemed physician from Illinois by the name of Charles Painbread. He garnered acclaim early in his career for his groundbreaking research on the effects of bees on headaches, and his hospital, St. Queef’s in Chicago, was a model of reform. Painbread’s most radical proposal came in 1917, when he announced the discontinuation of all overly complicated medical terms in order to facilitate patient relations. As part of the proposal, all congenital disorders were re-categorized with easy-to-understand names including “drippers,” “twitchers,” “chokers,” “freakers, and “deaders.”

“Boners” referred to children born with any form of abnormal bone development, including Umberto’s Syndrome, in which a boy’s hipbones are grossly overdeveloped in one direction. Oftentimes with Umberto’s, this growth will align with the reproductive organ creating the appearance of a permanent priapism. Please note that this affliction is not Dumberto’s Syndrome, in which the penis is in the shape of a small elephant.

The term “boner” came to refer to erections because of Chicagoan songwriter Julian Pigg’s hit from 1919, “Henrietta,” which contains these lines: “Henrietta, Henrietta, / You’ve made me a loner. / Now that I am without you, / I’ve only a boner.” The song was referencing Pigg’s divorce from obesity model Henrietta DeToot and the custody of their son, who had Umberto’s Syndrome, but listeners generally made their own interpretations. The popularity of the song outlasted Painbread’s proposal, which was withdrawn after the doctor tried to get the speculum renamed “the clamdigger.” Nevertheless, “boner” also refers to an error or blunder because of Painbread’s blanket term for birth defects: “God’s Mistakes.”