The Complete Idiot's Guide to Insults

Need to prove your comedic prowess to your fellow bro-mo sapiens? Can’t find the words to whisper sweet nothings into your girlfriend’s ear? Don’t know how to address that email to your professor? Well then, this guide is for you.

A properly delivered insult can have marvelous effects on your relationships with others. How are you ever going to be able to come up with fresh insults, you ask? Simple, my friend. Just follow this insult template:

1. Pick any swear word that’s a noun.
2. Pick a verb that either implies ingestion, close contact, affection or any combination thereof.
3. Pick another swear word that’s a noun.
4. Combine the word you picked in #3 with a food item.

For example:

“You piss guzzling nazi-salad!”

And remember, the more asinine the insult, the better the results! It doesn’t matter if the combination you choose doesn’t make sense — confusing your helpless victim is a bonus and sure to ensue hilarity!

Below is a sample list of words you can use. Column A includes dirty nouns, so-called swear words, and can be amended to your liking. While by no means complete, Column B is a list of verbs to be used in your future insults, and should be restricted to verbs that imply ingestion, close contact, or affection. Column C presents a list of food items, and allows for the most artistic freedom – use any food item you prefer, because let’s face it, the Nazi-salad you’re talking to would probably eat anything.

Column A	Column B	Column C
Cunt Shit Turd Fuck Ass Douche Ball Testicle Cock Dick Nut Sack Pussy Piss Cum Ass Bitch Twat Tit Whore Fat Dyke Fag Nazi Queer Queef Slut Asshole Bastard Anal	Licking Eating Loving Sucking Kissing Worshiping Guzzling Gobbling Chugging Sniffing Pounding Riding Grinding Banging Drinking Inhaling Rubbing Busting Squeezing Peddling	Waffle Egg Juice Butter Froth Foam Fluff Cheese Dumpling Noodle Nugget Tostada Fritter Cream Salami Taco Jelly Sausage Meat Jam Pancake Salad Syrup Broth Sandwich Pizza Soup Souffle Twinkie Bean Tortilla Brocolli Bologna