New Harvard Movement Dooms Mankind

Mike Judge’s latest flick, ‘Idiocracy,’ is the tale of an average guy who, through a series of mishaps, is transported to the distant future where he finds out he is the smartest man alive. How? It seems that the breeding habits of mankind have diluted the gene pool to such an extent that today’s average dude is a genius relative to earth’s future inhabitants. While intelligent people in today’s society wait to have kids for reasons like career and financial stability, the average white trash hillbilly doesn’t take such things into account every time he’s sober enough to maintain an erection. Therefore, hundreds of years down the road, any inkling of intelligence has been bred out of our population and replaced by a culture devoted to base humor, cheap thrills and energy drinks.

That is what makes Harvard’s sexual temperance movement such a terrible idea. Harvard, we need your genes to be passed on. We need you to reproduce so we can reap the benefits of your fertile minds. Give in to your natural urges to interbreed and spawn bright, intelligent, creative children who will benefit society as a whole. This is a war, Harvard, a war on your way of life – and if you let this abstinence movement flourish you’re doomed to lose. Please, for the good of mankind:F*CK EACH OTHER