"It's tough making new friends" by Comedy Whore aka Lauren

I know what you all must think of me. However, despite your likely image of me in my “real life”, I’m not all that popular. You’re probably saying “But Lauren, I can only imagine that everywhere you walk, you encounter swarms of fans, screaming your name, throwing their jock straps at you.” Well actually that DOES happen. But I’m not as popular as one would think. I’ll get to that in a minute.
My guess is that most of my readers probably don’t even know what I look like. After all, this is the internet, and as far as you know I could be a 65 year-old Canadian man. And as far as you know, my profile picture could simply have been stolen off some hot Swedish supermodel’s website.

I’m one of those people who craves attention. That’s probably why I write a blog. I’d love to be famous, but I don’t have many talents. I can’t act, I can’t yodel, but I CAN write! That’s what I earned for 16 years of formal learnin’. But unfortunately, while I really appreciate all my readers, I don’t really have all that many real friends.

It’s difficult to make friends when you work in a small office, and spend most of your free time churning butter or tending to the crops, in addition to writing such a highly acclaimed blog twice weekly. So just last week I decided to begin my search for ways to make new friends. I would’ve written about it earlier in the week, but I just got out of jail yesterday and I’ll tell you why.

So last Tuesday, I decided I really need to be more proactive about making new friends. Not to replace the ones I have, but simply to have some additional comrades with whom to share my dreams, secrets, and my affinity for tacos. My first step was to sit down and make a list of ways and places to meet new people:

Bars

Weight Watchers Meetings

Bocce Ball Club

Bowling Alleys

The Park

Sweden (after all, that model in the profile picture I’m using looks pretty friendly)

The personal ads

Eureka! The personal ads! Millions of other lonely shut-ins are seeking companionship through the wonders of the internet, why can’t I? Maybe I can even find a real boyfriend in the process. I’m tired of my imaginary boyfriend Sven anyway. He never takes me out anywhere, and I suspect he’s cheating on me.

So the next day I began my friend search on the ever-popular Craigslist. After all, I AM a professional career-driven individual, seeking companionship online; therefore I should be able to find other professionals seeking the same.

I saw the section labeled Casual Encounters. How perfect! That’s really all I wanted anyway. No fancy elaborate dinner parties (especially after the madness at the dinner party I had the other night), just a casual encounter for some pie at my local Baker’s Square or a walk around the lake.

At first I didn’t see any ads that stood out as having similar interests as me. One person was looking for a woman interested in bondage. And while I certainly WANT a bonding experience with my friend, this person seems as though he is rather controlling, just by the nature of his ad. And I certainly wouldn’t let a friend tie me up. Not AGAIN.

Another ad stated “Looking for one hour of fun before work today, no strings attached. Blonds preferred.” Luckily for me I AM blond, but one hour doesn’t seem like a whole lot of time to establish a new friendship. I suppose we could grab some coffee and a scone at Starbucks.

Just as I was about to send my nude photo as he requested (I assume he must be an artist-type), I saw THE perfect ad that grabbed my interest.

“Group seeking new, adventurous members. Anything goes. New venues each week. Singles or couples welcome, but wife-swap is encouraged!”

Wife-Swap! It’s only my FAVORITE reality show. These sound like my kind of people. What luck for me to find a common interest group right away! I am not a huge TV watcher, but it’s definitely better than the bocce ball club. Way too competitive for my blood, plus in the Wife Swap group I won’t have balls flying at my face.

I immediately replied to the provided email address, along with sending that same nude photo as requested. Since I don’t meet people over the internet too often, I’m assuming this must be standard friend-screening procedure.

About an hour later I got a call from the group president, Lana. She sounded so sweet over the phone! She complimented me on my looks (which, being the sucker for attention that I am, made me even more excited to join this group!) She asked what kind of stuff I was into:

“Well,” I said, “I love sports of any kind. I especially love doing them in the park.” A moment later…

“Oh, that’s great. We’re meeting this week on Friday at Lakeview Park. Will you be bringing a partner?” Lana asked rather enthusiastically.

“Well I wasn’t planning on it. I kind of wanted to see what the rest of the group members had to offer. But is there anything else I should bring?”

“I guess, just, whatever you’re into, Lauren. We’ll see you there at midnight.” Huh? Click. Well, midnight certainly seemed a bit unusual, but I’d like to give my new friends the benefit of the doubt.

The rest of the week I couldn’t wait to see what my new friends had to offer. I planned what I’d wear. For some reason I had this inexplicable urge to dress up as a nurse, but I resisted and I chose my more traditional jeans and hooded sweatshirt. In addition I packed up a Frisbee, blanket, some Welch’s grape soda, a stereo, along with a slew of CDs ranging from Barry White to R. Kelly.

On Friday I arrived at Lakeview Park at 12:05. I am normally early for things, but I didn’t want to seem too desperate for friendship, so I thought I’d be fashionably late.

I saw a small group at the bottom of the hill near the lake. There wasn’t any noise, but there was quite a bit of movement. “Hey guys!” I yelled down the hill. Just then I tripped and rolled down the hill, dropping all my CDs on the way down. When I arrived at the meeting place I realized everyone must’ve been planning on going swimming, because they were hiding in the bushes without any clothes on, most likely changing into their swimsuits. Luckily for me I brought my swimsuit just in case! I slipped behind a tree and started to change when I heard a police siren. Before I knew it, everyone started yelling “go! go! go!” running away without even grabbing their clothing first! Before I knew it, there was a bright light shining on me and a police officer handcuffing my hands behind my back. Some friends they are, abandoning me like this!

Suffice to say, I later found out that they weren’t my friends at all! I think I was just a victim of an absurd prank, being used as a decoy for their little games. Like when the bullies used to set me up in elementary school for their own entertainment. And somehow I always end up naked.

And so my search for new friends continues. I think my days of finding friends online have come to an end. You never know who you can trust to be honest on the internet…right?

From my blogsite, laursky.livejournal.com

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