Come To Think Of It, I Don't Apologize

In my life, I’ve said “I’m sorry” many times in many situations. I would like to take some of them back.

People I’ve Beaten at the Board Game “Sorry!” The truth is that I was legitimately happy to see you lose. I was insincere every single time I apologized to you.

Really Big Scary Guy Who Shoved Me. You and I both know that this one was totally your fault, and the only reason I apologized was because your arms were as big as my legs and your legs were as big as my dad.

Person for Whom I Did Not Hold the Elevator. I was telling you the “Door Open” button was broken as I was actually furiously pressing my finger against the wall. I honestly felt no remorse and was relieved to have the ride to myself.

Person I Hit in the Head with a Frisbee. You don’t have to sit on the quad. You can sit literally anywhere else. And I don’t control the wind.

Person Behind Me In Line At the Drug Store As I Looked for Exact Change. I knew I had that 92 cents and by George I was going to get rid of it.

Girl I Lost My Virginity To. Society and pop culture and the media had led you to have inflated expectations. I do, however, still apologize for the fact that Smash Mouth’s “All Star” was playing at the time.

Person I Killed and Ate. We were stranded on our raft, with no hope of being found, and desperate times call for desperate measures. In retrospect, I could have waited longer than two days – but if given the chance to consider it, I know you would have done the same thing.

The Six Other People I Killed and Ate. You were his friends and family, and you were starting to ask questions. I honestly had no choice, and also once I had tasted human flesh I had an insatiable thirst for more blood.

Homeless Man Who Asked Me for Change. I honestly did not have any change, having used it all up – to the cent – at the drug store.