Staff Picks

Streeter Seidell

The Negotiator

by Streeter Seidell on


Too often in today’s society, brotherhood and charity take a back seat to greed and personal interest. CEO’s embezzle money from their employees, people are murdered for their belongings, and worst of all, nobody seems to care. But there is one man who still stands for the principles of charity, selflessness and all the other things that once made this society so great: The Negotiator.

The Negotiator is the guy you meet On those unfortunate nights when one of your buddies has a little too much to drink and winds up staring at you from the back seat of a police car. The Negotiator swoops in to save the day. Drunk himself, The Negotiator stumbles up to the arresting officer volunteering to sort the whole mess out. You may know him, you may know of him or he may be a complete stranger, but nevertheless, he’s there for you when the cuffs come out.

“Officer… officer,” he cries pushing his way through the crowd, “You gotta let that dude go, dude. He didn’t do anything, dude, I saw the whole thing.” At first the police will politely ask him to stand back and let them do their jobs, but The Negotiator is there to help, dammit. And nothing is going to stop him.

“C’MON man, he didn’t even do anything!” screams The Negotiator. “Seriously, offlicer, how come you arrested that guy, dude? C’mon, there’s gotta be something we can do, dude.” Following this statement, The Negotiator presentsthe officer with his next piece of logic: “I’ll take him home myself so he doesn’t get in any more trouble.”

At this point, the authorities will be getting rather tired of dealing with The Negotiator and issue their first warning to “Stand back, sir, or we will have to arrest you as well.” The Negotiator will throw both his hands in the air, the classic “I’m backing off” posture. It appears to be over…but of course, it is not.

Now, after his ten-seconds of rest from trying to “talk some sense” into the police, He’s back in there – closer this time – pleading some more. “If you guys let him go, we’ll all go home right now and won’t make any more noise. Promise, dude.” Nope.

Finally, in his most daring and selfless act yet, the Negotiator will attempt to speak with the arrested party, currently locked in the car. This is the final straw for the police and the second he lays a finger on the police car, the Negotiator is in handcuffs himself.

He is a martyr for the cause; a bastion of fortitude for we, the timid masses. He alone has the courage to stand up to the police and demand the release of your buddy. Nevermind that his valiant efforts more often than not end in custody, He’s young, he’s brave, he’s drunk and most importantly, he’s taking your place in the cop car next to your buddy.

See More
Like this Article
URL Close
Streeter Seidell

Streeter Seidell

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +91 Down
Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.