Look On The Bright Side

Whenever you’re down and looking to a friend, family member, or your significant other (note: The girl you gave a roofie is not a significant other) for advice, often times the cliché “Look on the bright side…” will come up. Maybe you’ll get over your hamster running away or maybe you’ll question the idea that there is a bright side to this problem of yours. Well, to tell you the truth, there really is a bright side to everything, and I’m here to help you through your various troubles:

Situation	Look on the bright side…
You didn’t make the team	There is always next year. By the way, why did you try out for the male baton twirling team?
You stubbed your toe this morning	You’re paralyzed anyways.
Your girlfriend dumped you	She was cheating on you anyways. And she had herpes. How do I know? Well, she had sex with me, only once though, I swear. Well… maybe a few more than that.
Your parents just died in a horrific car wreck	Christmas is going to be a little easier on the wallet this year. And you get to stay with Uncle Lou, who has a hot tub. He is way cooler than your dad anyways. And your mom was a bitch.
You’ve been diagnosed with brain cancer	You’ll be getting so much pussy! Chicks dig that sort of stuff, you’ll be drowning in a sea of sex. First, cover up that monstrous tumor, Elephant Man. Say its a yarmulke or something.
You have a VD	You’ll get a sick sense of satisfaction knowing you’re giving it to all those girls, am I right? Oh, I’m sick. Yeah, sure, at least I don’t have herpes.
You’re clinically depressed	You’ll be dead in a week anyways. And you’ll be able to get meds.
You’re failing math	I got nothing. This just isn’t your week, is it?

Oh, and by the way, your hamster is dead. But look on the bright side, he died doing what he loved, riding your little brother’s model rockets. They were fireworks? Really? That explains a lot.