I wrote this piece about Chuck Norris before he had become a national fad…

Chuck Norris is a Fucking Bad-ass

(July 22, 2005)- Chuck Norris is easily the coolest mother fucker in the world. Norris is more than just that : Texas Ranger dude, he's a bad-ass who has starred in over 2 dozen shitty movies over the last 35 years. 35 YEARS WITHOUT RECOGNITION AS A REPUTABLE ACTOR! Do you know what an awesome guy that makes him? He's got the best "Can-do" attitude of anybody left in the business besides Sylvester Stallone! (Side note: If Sly makes a Rocky 10,000 I'll watch it.) It was about time God threw him a fucking bone when he struck gold with Texas Ranger in the early 90's. Norris should be commended for his perseverance and dedication to being a C-list celebrity. I'll guarantee that most modern day actors would have given up Ricky Williams style after their first 5 movies bombed.

Chuck Norris is fucking sweet for several reasons:

- He sports one of the top 5 most kick-ass mullets of all-time. I'd never seen a red mullet until I first laid eyes upon The Chuckmeister, and I doubt I'll ever spot one again. BUISINESS UP FRONT AND A FUCKING BONFIRE OUT BACK, BABY. Chuck Norris and those flowing locks put every 80's hair band to shame.

- He can kick some serious ass. You couldn't hand me a stack of cash thick enough to get me to go 30 seconds with that mother fucker. And you can quote me on that. He fights like a freakin' ninja- I'd take Chuck Norris and a corpse against the entire heavyweight boxing division. And why wouldn't you? Norris boasts the most efficient roundhouse kick since Liu Kang (MK3 version). Through his years of fighting, the Red-headed ruffian has realized what no boxer ever has- that a swift kick to the chest is something nobody ever expects.

- You don't see him being a pussy and attaching himself to wires and pulleys to fight like that no talent ballsucker Keanu Reaves. Agent Smith couldn't have cloned himself quick enough to withstand the wrath of Chuck Norris! Chuck fights old school- just two fists and a pair of spurred cowboy boots- and that's all he needs to beat down a mob the size of .

- Amazingly, he does all his own stunts! You don't believe me? Then I suggest you go fuck with him and get your fucking sternum cracked.

- And lastly, Chuck Norris is a real down-to-earth guy. For whatever reason he attributes God with all of his successes and he never forgets to thank all the little guys who helped him in his climb from obscurity into near-obscurity. What he doesn't tell you is those little guys are lying in a bloody heap being splooged on by his greatness. He even has his own website (Chuck Norris.com) where he sells kick-ass gear like Chuck Norris shirts and hats. Could fashion get any cooler?!?!

If this article hasn't convinced you that Chuck Norris isn't a 180 pound slab of Grade-A BAD-ASS then I suggest you get your fuckin' head checked out. Or learn to read.