Mr. President ,

I am concerned that you have not been as open with the American people as your position requires. It frightens me when I think about how little I know about you and your policies. It's time you started answering some questions, sir, and I will not rest until my thirst, the American publics thirst, has been quenched.

Do you drive? Like, do you ever go "I think I'll go for a drive today" and take a car out for a spin around D.C.? If not, how long has it been since you've driven a car?

What is your policy on eating food that has fallen on the ground? Do you abide by the 5-Second rule or do you just say "f*ck it, I'll eat something else"?

Do your feelings ever get hurt?

If one of your daughters brought home a black guy and was like "Dad, this is my boyfriend," would you be mad? Or would you, like, say you didn't mind but actually be mad on the inside? What if it were a Mexican guy?

Are you mad you didn't have any sons?

Best pizza: Where and why?

What if when you die and go to heaven you get there and Saddam is sitting next to God and you're like "Oh sh*t"? What about that? What would you do? That would suck for you.

Finally, do you have a cell phone?