Bad Movie Reviews

(NOTE: These are bad reviews of movies, not reviews of bad movies.)

300 – The title of this movie refers to the number of boners you’ll get while watching all the computer-generated, six-pack having, identical warriors.

Zodiac – Jake Gyllenhaal is gayer in this movie than he was in Brokeback Mountain. Jake Gyllenhaal enjoys penis.

Black Snake Moan – ‘Black Snake’ is obviously a reference to Samuel L. Jackson’s penis. The ‘Moan’ refers to the noise Christina Ricci makes as she gets gangbanged by Samuel L. Jackson and Justin Timberlake.

Dead Silence – This horror movie is exactly one and a half hours of complete silence. Scary shit.

The Good Shepherd – This movie’s about a shepherd, furthermore one who’s good. He really herds those sheep good.

The Number 23 – Refers to the number of hours this movie was in theaters before Jim Carrey realized he has ruined his career.

Children of Men – This movie is about everyone who is a child of a man – which turns out to be about 6.6 billion people. Or it’s about kids who have two gay daddies, thus children of men. Or it’s about guys who are pregnant, literally children of men. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.