CH Interviews: Abraham Lincoln

Most people are already well aware of who Abraham Lincoln is, as he is one of the nation’s most influential presidents. I recently caught up with him at the Olive Garden (he’s a sucker for the free breadsticks) to talk about what he has been up to since 1865.

So, how’s the weather up there? Sorry, couldn’t resist….but seriously though, how often do people comment on your height, and does it get annoying.

Yes, actually it does get quite annoying. People are quick to point out how tall I am, but what they don’t know is that I have a connective tissue disorder. I’d be willing to bet that these people don’t go around hassling midgets about their stature.

OK, I can see this interview didn’t get off on the right foot….moving on. Apparently you had a rough childhood, please elaborate.

For a while my family and I were living in a dugout in the side of the hill. Also, there was this one time where my mom died when I was nine.

Abe, can I call you that? No? OK, anyways, I couldn’t help but notice you are quite cynical, what’s the deal?

Well if you were a giant living in a hovel, you’d be a little cynical too. Though this was a great setup for my Frankenstein Costume on Halloween 1819.

Right, that book came out the year before, that must have been a popular costume that year. Would you consider Mary Shelley the R.L. Stine of your generation?

Yeah it was popular. I’d say about 80% of the kids that year dressed as Frankenstein, the remaining 20% dressed as Paul Revere’s Ghost. Too Soon if you ask me. To answer your second question, no. No one compares to R.L. Stine.

Alright, so what’s your favorite Goosebumps book? Least Favorite?

I’m gonna go with the Night of the Living Dummy Series as my favorite, and Phantom of the Auditorium as my least.

Is that because you were assassina….

No, it’s because it was clearly a rip-off of Phantom of the Opera.

I see. So aside from the driving force behind the Emancipation Proclamation, what do you consider your greatest accomplishments in life?

(Reaches into pocket, pulls out change and sets it on table.)

Oh, so you’re proud of the fact that your face is on the penny, one of the most recognizable coins in the American Currency?

Actually that is my tip. But yeah, all of that stuff you said blah blah. Listen I gotta go, I know some strip clubs that need patronizing.

Wait, I still wanted to talk about Lincoln Logs!