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Ryan Kraemer

A Realtor Shows a Fraternity House

by Ryan Kraemer on

Well here we are; the current Phi Omega Sigma house. As you know, they’re being asked to vacate the house immediately. Right, following the three pledge deaths in March. But, the speedy eviction of these tennants means you’ll pay much less than the house is worth, so hey, that’s good news for you. Oh by the way, You understand we couldn’t get everybody who lives here to leave during the viewing, right?

Come on in here with me into the foyer. Oh yay, we are here just in time to witness one of the house’s oldest traditions. These fifteen young men you see standing here in their boxers passing a raw egg to each other mouth to mouth are called pledges. What a joyful prospect it is to think that you can live in a residence so rich with history! Let’s low five.
Ah, this is the living room. I know what you’re thinking; and yes, these eight vinyl couches DO come with the residence. Smell? I don’t notice anything. Hmm, I have a cold, I’m sure it’s fine. Nothing a little scrubbing in between the cracks on these soft wood floor won’t fix.
What’s that? Well yes, that is a “puke” stain if you want to be a herb about it. But, I mean, it is a stain that came from Richard Wilmington, the fraternity’s founding father. You are looking at a piece of regurgitation history. Your grand-kids will be telling their children about that stain. Dick Wilmington is a fucking legend. Pardon my french.

Let’s go ahead and look around upstairs where most of the bedrooms are. It seems that most of the other house occupants are gathering around up here. Don’t worry, the carpet in the hallway is always moist. It’s actually great for those hot summer months, walking through the hall barefoot can be refreshing. Saves you money on joining the pool club, am I right? There’s only one “bathroom” on the floor, but it’s got 4 stalls in it and two urinals, so I hardly think you can complain.

Sure, good idea, let’s go back downstairs. Oh, good though, out the back door, I can show you the yard. Alright, wait, you’re not even looking. Where are you going? YOU FUCKIN HOMO! Whatever. Dude, pass me a Natty.
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Ryan Kraemer

Ryan Kraemer

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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.