An Open Letter From OSU to UF

FROM: The Ohio State University Athletic Department
TO: The University of Florida Athletic Department

To Whom It May Concern:

First and foremost, congratulations on your second national title this year. It was a tough game, but you pulled through. Two consecutive basketball titles, huh? You guys must be good. And a football title, to boot! Outstanding. Well, we had a shot at the football and basketball title, too, you know. Of course you know, we played against you both times! Isn’t that just silly? Two championships in two sports in one year, can you believe that?

Well, I have one grievance, so here goes: You guys already had the basketball title last year, so, um… Well, why couldn’t you guys just lose that one game? I mean, you’re hogging the trophy, give someone else a turn. You’re being rude about this whole thing. Seriously, guys, you aren’t even giving anyone else a shot! I don’t even think your mascot is fitting anymore, “Gators” just doesn’t seem to explain you well enough. I took the liberty of sketching you guys a new mascot and logo:

There you go, the Florida Dream-Crushers. Thats what you are, I think it is very descriptive and not at all misleading. Notice that your mascot is my step-father in a lumberjack outfit. I chose my step-father because, not unlike yourselves, he was always in the way of my hopes and dreams. You may ask why he is dressed as a lumberjack. Simple, because there is nothing more evil in this world than a French-Canadian lumberjack. Your new mascot wields an ax with which he cuts down forests of hope. He also wears steel-toed Wolverine® Brand boots to make sure every dream he sees is fully destroyed underfoot (I figured you could make a few extra bucks on that marketing deal).

Seriously, though, everywhere we turn, you are just standing there, taunting us. You’re like the the acne breakout I got in eighth grade, right before the dance. I couldn’t get rid of it, and Sally Lewis, my date, found me repulsive, and she wouldn’t even dance with me, so I went home and cried myself to sleep. Then, when I got to school the next day, everyone made fun of me and I never lived it down. You’re exactly like that, just a huge, embarrassing obstacle.

God, I’m sorry, I just kind of went on a tangent, there, huh? You know what, lets talk business, okay? Alright, so say you just to lose the NCAA soccer championship to us. Is that too ambitious for us right now? Alright. Understandable.

How about if we drop out of all other sports, and you just give us one sport we can reign over. Nothing like football or basketball, something simple, like Ultimate Frisbee. Just give us that one. I mean, there is really nothing we can do right now. Its like when you’re playing Risk and the one kid who is strategically retarded is on the verge of losing, but he’s your friend, and you feel bad, so you let him keep his army in Kamchatka. Sure it is a strategically important territory, I mean, it connects Asia to North America, but if he tries any funny business, you can just pound him into the ground.

Whats in it for you? Well, we’ll try and keep people from hating you. Well, at least here. People will talk trash, and we’ll say “Florida, yeah, those gracious overlords let our Ultimate Frisbee team go undefeated four seasons in a row, what benevolent leaders.”

We here at OSU really hope you consider our proposition and are eagerly awaiting your response.

Thanks for your time,
The Ohio State University Athletic Department

P.S. Included is $300 to seal the deal. We would have given you more, but we spent our entire budget on “2007 FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPS – OHIO STATE” t-shirts last year.