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Jake Hurwitz

Jake Explains It All

by Jake Hurwitz on


Hey guys, sorry I’ve let your d*cks stay dry for this long. Let’s not waste any more time. I’ve gotten you inside a plethora of women this year, but there’s one girl we’ve been neglecting. And, friend, her time is now. It’s time to bang your girlfriend.

Apologize: You’ve cheated on her a lot. You’ve been a deplorable boyfriend this year. And now it’s time to make up it up to her, in the way of a thousand orgasms! And one for her too.

Beg her to take you back: “You’re my world! You know that, you know that, Jessica. Please, don’t do this to m- to us. Remember when I laid in your arms on the grass of Edgerton Park and told you it’d be like this forever? I made a promise, Jessica. I’m keeping that promise. I’m keeping that promise.”

Cry: “GODDAMNIT Jessica, what have I done to deserve this?!” (Crumble into her arms and begin sobbing.) Wait until she loses her tenseness and embraces you. Soon she’ll start rubbing your back, and that’s when you start unbuttoning her pants.

Beg again: “Jessica please, I need this. We both need this. Remember when-” “Shut up.” She’ll say, “You had me at Remember when.”

Reconnect with your first love: Then dump her. There are plenty of Jessica’s in the world.

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Jake Hurwitz

Jake Hurwitz

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.