Staff Picks

Generic Late-Night Talk Show

by Adam Hrabik on April 4, 2007

(Tonight’s guests include Overrated Actor and Child Who Did Something Remarkable, with musical guest Band.)

Host: Hey, everyone, thanks for coming to the show! We’ve got a great show for you tonight.
So, did you hear about this (news story)? Apparently, (detail of the story that is surprising unless you pay attention to the news). (Joke that plays off this detail, usually having to do with the sexuality of the news story’s subject).

Lead musician/sidekick: I did hear about that!

Host: Yeah, (implies that lead musician is gay). Also, (other news story). We actually have received some footage of this, and, I think, (to producer), can we play the clip?br />
*NOTE: Never in the history of television has the answer to this question been “no.”

(On screen are two actors who look similar to the subjects of the news story. They do something mildly comical.)

Lead musician/sidekick: That does look like something they would do! (Plays a measure on his particular music instrument)

Host: (Lead musician), you (falls just short of telling lead musician he is a worthless human being). I’d like to bring out our first guest, (overrated actor)!

(Band plays catchy and relevant song)

Overrated actor: Hey, (host), how are you?

Host: Great, it’s nice to have you on here! (Host lies) So, I understand you have a new movie coming out?

Overrated actor: Yeah, it’s called (movie), it comes out (date).

Host: So—

****CENSORED FOR EXCESSIVE ASS-KISSING*****

Host: (Removes lips from overrated actor’s ass cheeks) Now, you have brought a clip…

Overrated actor: Yes, in this scene, (actor/actress) and I are (doing something).

(Clip shows the depth of overrated actor’s overratedness)

Host: That was great! So, everyone, (Shameless movie plug)

(Hosts shakes hands and bids farewell to overrated actor)

Host: Our next guest is a small child who (remarkable act). Please welcome, (Child Who Did Something Remarkable)!

Child Who Did Something Remarkable: (Greets host, but is absolutely terrified)

Host: (Begins mentally reminding himself not to use innuendo) So— (Both sit awkwardly as child looks out to crowd for direction from mom)

*****CENSORED FOR EXCESSIVE PATRONIZATION*****

Host: Our next guest is a band from (city, but odds favor Chicago). Please welcome, (Band)!

(Band performs a song majority of audience is familiar with)

Host: Wow, (band), that was amazing! (Host lies. Shakes hands with everyone but the drummer) Well, that’s our show, thanks for watching! Tomorrow night’s guests will be (Overrated Actress) and (Guy Who Handles Animals)! Good night!