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Robert Crandall

Bill Gates Calls GeekSquad

by Robert Crandall on

(Gates answers door)


GeekSquad Representative: Hi, I’m Alex from GeekSquad. (looking at clipboard) So, you need help installing Windows Vista?


Bill Gates: Yes, that’s right. I’m having trouble…


A: Wait, holy shit, are you Bill Gates?


BG: Yes. As I was saying, I…


A: Haha, you’ve got to be joking.


BG: I assure you, this is no joke. Now if you would please just…


A:Why would you need help?? Didn’t you, like, create Vista?


BG: Look, I’m mostly on the management end of things now. I haven’t actually written software in years. I just needyou tohelp me with…


A: Haha, this is great. So you’re really not that smart after all, are you? I can’t wait to…


BG: (quietly) Please, I…


A: …tell the guys at the office that…


(Gates grabs him violently by the collar, slams him against the wall)


BG: Listen, you little shitburger. I’m a busy man, and I don’t have time for this. Now if you don’t shut the fuck up and fix this right now, and I mean right-god-damn-now, I will fucking end you. Do you hear me? I’ll make you and your whole worthless family disappear. You know I can do it.


A: (crying) Jesus Christ, dude! Alright!


(Gates drags him by the ear to the computer)


BG: Now pay attention, pudwhacker. I put in the installation CD, and it’s giving me this error message.


(Alex sobs, looks at screen)


A: Um, sir, you need to start with disk 1. It says it right on the screen…


(silence, Gates glowers at him)


A: Here… (he puts in the right disk, starts the installation)


BG: I should have you erased, you insolent twat. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood.


(Gates releases him, throws a wad of $100 bills at his feet)


BG: Now get the fuck out of my sight.


(Alex picks up the money and starts to leave)


BG: Oh, and Alex? If you tell anyone about this… (makes slow throat-slitting gesture)

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Robert Crandall

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