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What We Learned on Week 1 of the NFL

by ComedyJuice.com on

Do not order from an Italian restaurant run by Arminians
Nothing against Arminians, it’s just that Italian food doesn’t seem to be their forte. The food will show up an hour late, the soup will be cold, and the pasta will taste like mom used to make. That is if your mom used to put too much pepper on Chef Boyardee.

You should not have taken Trent Green in fantasy football
Anyone else see the clip of his head hitting the ground in slow motion? The clip looks like it’s going really slow until his neck whips at about 80 miles per hour like it was a slinky and his head rockets into the ground. If he’s your starting QB, then you are very very dumb.

Brian Urlacher would make an excellent High School Football Player
The new Nike ad shows Michael Vick, Ladanian Tomlinson, Urlacher, and Troy Polumalu all playing for the same high school team. Of course when crunch time hits, coach Shula has LT, not Michael Vick throw the key pass. No wonder he’s such a good coach.

John Madden still has not found a weed wacker big enough to cut his eyebrows
And what color are they anyway? It’s like brown and orange had a hideous hairy child and glued it to Madden’s forehead. I put the over/under at six games before Al Michaels snaps and tells the makeup lady to cut them. I couldn’t work next to those things either.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.