Two Drunk Sorority Sisters Talk About Killing Somebody Last Night

Leslie: Oh my god, Kel, you were such a slut last night. I swear.

Kelly: Shut up, d-bag, you were so slutty last night, you were being such the whore!

Leslie: Okay, but can I just say, that when you took that baseball bat to Derek’s skull, I LOST IT! I couldn’t stop cracking up.

Kelly: O-M-G I know! But you were standing on his hands with high heels when he tried to call 911! You’re such the super slut.

Leslie: His broken hands were so hard to walk on with my stiletto heel. I can still hear him scream.

Kelly: Ugh, that was SO annoying. It’s like, who wants to be with someone that whiny? Let me see your nails, you have skin under there, take my file.

Leslie: Ew. Thanks, biatch. But you have to admit, he was being such a d-bag.

Kelly: Totes.

Leslie: You know when you were shoving his eyes back into his brain while he yelled for mercy one last time? I had that Justin song in my head. “Sick of all these people crying about. What’s the deal with this pop life and whens it gonna fade out.”

Kelly: Oh my god, we should go dancing tonight.

Leslie: I don’t know, i have such a headache from when he flailed his arms and hit me in the face. I also smoked way too may cigarettes after the party.

Kelly: I know, jungle juice always messes me up the next day… I don’t think I’m going to tell Bobby about last night, it’s hard enough being in a long distance relationship as it is. And he hates when I kill people, he’ll just get all weird and jealous…

Leslie: Mike is the same way. Remember when I told him I just knocked that guy unconscious and he freaked out?

Kelly: (playing with her teddy bear) Ugh I hate boys.

Leslie: Oh, I didn’t even tell you. I had like three Cosmos at the bar with Chelsa.

Kelly: Ew. What were you doing with queen cunt?

Leslie: I was a total bitch. Even before I dragged that guy’s lifeless body over two chairs and drove my knee through his arm bone. I was just being such a biatch to Chels. Ugh, I hate apologizing!

Kelly: Its such a double standard, you know? Like I can’t pull each one of ryans teeth out with my bare fingers and thread them into a hemp necklace without being called a crazy dyke, but then if a guy were to do it… You know? It’s just BS.

Leslie: It’s just so high school like that. I think I blacked out last night too, do you have any idea how I got this bitemark on my thigh!?

Kelly: Oh my God, Les. I can barely remember it because I blacked out too, but I think that was from Derek when you were trying to shit in his toothless mouth.

(They are cracking up)

Leslie: I cant believe you made out with me for free shots at the bar after! I WAS – SO – DRUNK!

Kelly: Whatever. That guy was such a g-wad.

Leslie: Do you want salad? I really want a Chinese chicken salad.

Kelly: I’m not eating meat this weekend, I chewed Derek’s index finger to the bone for some reason and really lost my appetite. Besides, I’m so fat.

Leslie: Shut up, you rexi slut.

Kelly: I’m serious! Know what i do want? Fro-yo.

Leslie: Yes. Sprinkles are like, the best thing ever right now.

Kelly: Last night was so gay.

Special thanks to Jake Hurwitz. Slut.