You're Never Going To Find These Eggs

Oh. My. God. I am a mastermind. I am an evil genius. I am Godlike. You will never- NEVER find these eggs. There’s just no way. Try. Go on, start looking. Oh yeah, yeah, on the mantle, that’s a good start. ERRRR! Wrong! You think I’d hide eggs in the living room? The OBVIOUS first place you’d look? I’m not retarded kids, that’s you.

Ok, ok, the kitchen. You’re getting warmer, I guess. PSYCHE. Why would I tell you if you were getting warmer? You think I want you to find these eggs? Keep looking, morons.

Going outside now, eh? Finally making some good decisions. Maybe I don’t have to be ashamed of you after all. Don’t insult me Ben, you think I’d hide the eggs right by the steps to the porch? You’ll have to crawl a lot further underneath the deck to find any eggs at all. Samantha might be on to something! But, Sam, hey- Sam, you’re going to have to climb that tree MUCH higher if you want to find anything. Don’t be a baby, reach for that branch. You have to commit to the climb, Sam. One more branch up…you’ve almost found the first egg…NOT! HAHAHA, whoops! Looks like there aren’t any eggs in the tree either! Maybe you’ll find a bird egg?! Idiot.

You know what, maybe we should go inside, this is pointless. Know why? Because you will NEVER find these eggs. I started planning for this in June of last year. I haven’t slept in 4 days because I’ve been hiding and rehiding eggs. Even if you think you find the eggs, you won’t have. Because I’ve planted dummy eggs all over the yard.

By the time you find these f*cking eggs they’ll be full grown chickens! Yeah, that’s right, Samantha, I didn’t even boil them! If you don’t find them soon all the baby chickens will die and it will be all your fault. Why are you crying? That kind of attitude never found any eggs. Man up, Samantha.

No, Ben, don’t be a smartass. This isn’t why your mother left. You want to know why I do this, Samantha? For the same reason I’ve faked my own gruesome death every Halloween for the past 4 years, for the same reason I broke both my legs and fractured my skull coming down the chimney as Santa last Christmas. I do this because I love you guys. And I’m giving you a true Holiday to remember. I love you two very much. Now go out there and find. Those. F*cking. Eggs. NOW.