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Vincent J Pussybody

Friedrich Engels Tries To Get Laid

by Vincent J Pussybody on

Hey, what’s up? My name’s Freddy. Care if I sit down here for a second? Alright, cool. Oh man, it’s so nice to be able to go out and relax. I’ve just been so busy recently, you know, writing the Communist Manif… wait, what’d you say? Who sings this song? Umm I’m not really sure. I think it’s La Bouche or something like that. Yeah, it is a good song. “Be my lover wanna be my lovaaah” Hey, where are you going? To dance? Yeah, I’d love to… oh, with your friends. Uhh sure, go ahead. I’ll just uhh sit here and relax because uhh I’m so worn out from writing the Communist Manifesto because I wrote it and I’m tired from writing it, the Communist Manifesto!

Yeah, that’s right, I wrote the Communist Manifesto. I mean, I don’t really want to brag or anything. No, you’re right, Karl Marx did write it. He wrote it with me. Well, I have no idea why you’ve never heard of me. I mean, I wrote as much of it as he did, if not more. Probably more. Damn, if there was a copy of it anywhere around here I’d show you. Oh, you know what, there’s one in my back pocket! How lucky! Ok, see here… “Marx and Engels” I’m Engels! And you didn’t believe me…

Of course I know Karl Marx! I mean, we developed this thing together, didn’t we? Oh absolutely, I’d love to introduce you to him sometime. Wait, what? Tonight? You want to meet him tonight? Uhhh I don’t think that’s such a great idea. No no no no stop. We can’t do that. We can’t just show up at his house and expect to hang out with him. I mean, I am totally good enough friends with him where I would be able to do that, but uhh not tonight. Yeah, Karl’s sick tonight. His umm… his herpes is acting up. Yeah, he’s got herpes. Really, really bad herpes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s probably my best friend, but I wouldn’t go within a mile of that guy’s dick. Yeah, he’s got a thing for hookers. It’s kind of weird.

Wait, what’s that? You think you read an article about me? See, you have heard of me! People are writing about me all the time. What did the article say? What?!! It called me the “Garfunkel of communism?” That’s fucking bullshit!! Karl and I are equals. I’m not his fucking errand boy. Stop laughing at me! You know what, I bet that article didn’t mention that uhhh… that I have a really big dick! Yeah, that’s right. We’re talking like ten inches. They don’t call me the “Thrustin’ Prussian” for nothing. Yes, people call me that all the time! I told you to stop laughing, you stupid bitch!! Alright, fuck this. I don’t need this. Goddamnit, this happens every fucking time.

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Vincent J Pussybody

Vincent J Pussybody

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It's a vase

I used to work night shift manufacturing in small town Nebraska. After work, I went home and bummed around a bit, when my roommate and I realized we were hungry for some greasy food. Everything is shut down except a 24 truck stop about 20 minutes away. We head out, and half way there we see lights flashing in the rear. He wasn't speeding so we had no idea why we were... Read More » getting pulled over (turns out it was a burnt out tail light). The cop comes up, sees two mid twenties guys wearing huddies, and when he asked us where we were going answered him that we were going to the truck stop because we had the munchies. 45 minutes go by and we hear a dog sniffing the car, barking at the trunk. I look at my friend and say "Your not sending me to jail man!", "No, I clean, really." Sweet is poring down our face when the officer says, "Both of you step out of the car NOW." We comply, and 5 officers search every inch of the two of us. Then they search his trunk, "SIR, ARE THESE YOUR WEAPONS?", My friend answers, "That's my key chain pocket knife, I forgot it was in there." The offices disregards it than spits back "WHATS THIS?!?" My friend squeaked out "That's a vase sir." Much to their disappointment, we were clean, and they let us go. I still chuckle when I go back to visit and see his vase.