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105%-O-Matic

105% Issue #13

by 105%-O-Matic on


Any donkey is a pinata if you like meat enough.
Empty Threats at the Orphanage
“If you don’t settle down, we’ll have to call your parents.”
-Streeter Seidell
Red Hot Chili Peppers Writing Session
- Alright guys we need a new idea for our next album, something fresh
- California?
- Did it
- Sex?
- Did it
- …..sex in California?
- BRILLIANT. Shirts off, everybody!
-Conor Sweeny
Unappreciative Discovery Channel Fan
If I wanted to see a documentary about Earth, I would open my eyes thank you very much! Then, I would purchase tickets to far end places of the globe and take a year off just to see some really amazing stuff, jerk-offs!
-Amir B.
School Shooting or Team Shoot-Around?
“Great Shot Bobby, you nailed it!”
“Yeah, we all are shooting great!”
“I shot the quarterback in the chest and it looked like his chest exploded!”
-Tom Sunnergren
My Grandfather Writes the SATs
An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe’s trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?
-Jeff Rubin
Rejected Army Slogans
The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.
-Dan Gurewitch
Commonly Misheard Elton John Lyrics
“Hold me closer, Tony Danza”
“Your candle burned out long before Tony Danza ever did”
“I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life is while Tony Danza’s in the world”
-Patrick Cassels
Backhanded Insults
Whatever bro, I could play the piano like that with years and years of practice and dedication.
-Jake Hurwitz
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You Stink

At about 10pm, my roommate and I were in our normal habit of watching Adult Swim and playing random video games when all of a sudden we get a knock at our door. I go to open it and suddenly 2 guys burst in, with ninja wraps on their head, spray a lot of febreeze all over our stuff and run out leaving a note that says "You stink!". I was hurt until 5 minutes later... Read More » when a very apologetic ninja showed up and said that they got the wrong room. I don't know what I was hurt more over. Being called smelly or not being invited for revenge on the smelly Asian smokers next door.