105% Issue #13

Any donkey is a pinata if you like meat enough.

Empty Threats at the Orphanage

"If you don't settle down, we'll have to call your parents."

Red Hot Chili Peppers Writing Session

- Alright guys we need a new idea for our next album, something fresh
- California?
- Did it
- Sex?
- Did it
- …..sex in California?
- BRILLIANT. Shirts off, everybody!

-Conor Sweeny

Unappreciative Discovery Channel Fan

If I wanted to see a documentary about Earth, I would open my eyes thank you very much! Then, I would purchase tickets to far end places of the globe and take a year off just to see some really amazing stuff, jerk-offs!

-Amir B.

School Shooting or Team Shoot-Around?

"Great Shot Bobby, you nailed it!"
"Yeah, we all are shooting great!"
"I shot the quarterback in the chest and it looked like his chest exploded!"

-Tom Sunnergren

My Grandfather Writes the SATs

An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?

-Jeff Rubin

Rejected Army Slogans

The U.S. Army: Because Natural Causes Are Gay.

-Dan Gurewitch

Commonly Misheard Elton John Lyrics

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza"
"Your candle burned out long before Tony Danza ever did"
"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life is while Tony Danza's in the world"

-Patrick Cassels