Careers: Politicians

The “Man” will tell you that college is for education and that your four years should be spent in class and quiet reflection… Which I guess is technically true.But who here has not found themselves sidetracked with all the booze and girls and booze.I know far too many partiers who have wasted valuable time by attending career seminars and thinking about eventually considering a major.

For shame.

Today I am here to attempt to rectify this growing/shocking epidemic by introducing you, the reader, to new careers… one at a time.

Here in , the dream of many young men and women (thanks to political pandering to the powerful Feminist Lobby (Women Conflicting Unequal and Negative Treatment)) is to eventually become President.Some make it as far as the House of Representatives, but there they get caught up in a whirl wind of pork barrel spending and illicit page sex.Plus no one can blame anyone for becoming a little jaded after an S&M threesome with two out of control horny Supreme Court Justices while the AIPAC senate committee watches and furiously mas… well, you get the idea.It takes a special kind of person to be a politician, and appreciating a finely aged judge is just the start.

50 years ago it was so simple; all you needed was to be white, protestant, male, and kind of an asshole.But after the 60’s the game changed.All of a sudden our politicians were catholic, sensitive, and diverse.Then along came , and that opened the metaphorical floodgates, suddenly it was alright to be married to an androgynous Delilah type with dreams of her own… wtf m8?The effect has been felt exceptionally strongly throughout the past few months what with 2.Nowadays to succeed in politics you need to fit the following criteria.

1) Either be a lawyer, have a history in law, or be an actor.Scrap that, act as a lawyer in a show about law and order.If you already have, then just run for president… now.

2) Have a terrible memory.Politicians these days have terrible memories.You should too.Did I mention you need a terrible memory, good, cause I forgot I mentioned it wink.If you have a scandal involving an underage Thai man-child simple say you forgot to ask age, you forgot to ask consent, and you forgot to check if there was a penis… not that it happened to me or anything.

3) Have an interesting story and publish a biography.Overcome some adversity.Have a rough childhood in the middle class, marry a cheating spouse, fight some terrorists using the bureaucracy, and generally feel the commoner’s pain.If you got nothing make something up, like inventing a useful tool.I call dibs on the spork or the iPod, so not yours.

4) Religion matters, but not in the sense you’d think.If you don’t believe in the Bible how do you expect the American people to take your Oath seriously?Plus, if your great granddad had 6 wives how can we believe you will be tough on terrorism?Which brings us to our next and last point…

5) Learn how to use logic improperly.Did your opponent quit their high school job?Then they will quit the war on terror.Did you once play Call of Duty?Then you might just get the military.Does your opponent support women’s rights?Then I guess they hate babies.Seen ‘em shaking hands with a foreigner? I assume that means they support illegal immigration.See how this works?Brilliant.

Does any of this seem natural to you?Then you are well on your way to a glorious life of public service.Just think, in a few years you too can spend your life under the glorious microscope of public scrutiny.All your secrets will be dug up and revealed and you can never, ever, go anywhere without the secret service… ever.You lucky bastard.