If you really must know...

I got an e-mail a couple weeks ago about an alumni banquet for my major, and it asked for a brief update of professional/personal information that will be printed in the program or something. I’m actually considering attending to see if mine sneaks in.

Neel,

Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’ve had a lot of things going on. If you really must know, life after graduation has left something to be desired. Shortly after moving to KC, it became apparent that my wife had been having an affair with Raul, our apartment complex’s handyman. I should have known something was up when after six visits to fix our water heater I still couldn’t take a five minute shower. From there, my life quickly spiraled downwards into an abyss of drugs, alcohol, and homeless hookers. Sam, who I had been staying with, kicked me out after four separate occurrences involving all three. Did I mention I got fired for “insubordination,” “conduct detrimental to the company,” “gross negligence,” and “blatant misuse of company resources”? I’m working on an appeal to the insubordination charge; that one is completely unfounded. Not everything has been sour, however, as we welcomed our second child in November. My court-ordered visitations are scheduled to start any day now. I’ve also picked up a second shift at Wendy’s and am very excited about the new breakfast menu. Sausage frescuit = Genius!

Gotta run. I think the guy at Panera whose computer I’m “borrowing” is almost done in the bathroom.

Later,

Matt