7 New Careers for Don Imus

Ever since the Imus scandal cost Imus his job (and dignity) everyone is wondering how he’ll make his big comeback. The general consensus is he won’t. I choose to be more optimistic. Like the old saying goes. If God gives you hard Lemons, make hard lemonade whichis a good manly drink and in no way girly. Imus, too, can make a drink out of his misfortunes. A drink that taste’s like Cable Television Stardom. Which in turn tastes of a lukewarm vanilla milkshake.

- Talking head on VH1’s new series “I love the 50’s” – Here he can talk about the good ol’ days, when he was free, nay, encouraged to say whatever deragotory things he could about “the colored folk” and “the fairer sex”. Bonus, most of his listenerswent to highschool during the 50’s, sohe could make a lot of greaser jokes… justlike me I guess…

- ESPN Sports Commentator – only cause now we can hear what kind of hair other athletic teams have, or even better, whether or not they are sexual promiscuous. Keep your finger’s crossed for the Red Sox, ‘cause I’m thinking Flaxon haired man sluts… right? Uh… sorry everyone.

- Host of Spike TVs “World’s Most Spectacular Train Wrecks” for obvious creative reasons

- Reoccurring character on the madly popular program “Mind of Mencia”. Just picture it, Imus says something about “beaners”, Mencia counters with something about white people, and everyone learns. Maybe it will bework likea double negative or something, you know, make a positive… maybe?

- Start a fundraiser on the BET network with all funds going to the NAACP and the NNCA. Bonus: He’ll finally earn the forgiveness of the good Reverends Jesse and Al… maybe. They said they might think about accepting this time, maybe not.

- Crank caller – he can call Howard Stern, they used to have a rivalry but then Howard got famous. Plus he can call Al Sharpton from an unlisted number and apologize anonymously.

- Contributor on Fox News’s “The Half Hour News Hour” – The recent controversy showed that not only is Imus relevant, he’s also hysterical. Not only can he help improve this already stellar example of conservative humor… well, he, uh, well maybe can get the sponsors to pull their funding and kill the show… once and for all.