Suitably Ironic, Sometimes Elaborate Methods in Which I Would Like to Inflict Harm upon My Friend, the Hipster

1. Place her in a perilous, spy-movie-like situation, the likes of which she can only escape by reading directions in a foreign language that she claims to be fluent in.(Who knows Portuguese now, Cunt?)

2. Steal her limited edition pressing of The Smiths’ “The Queen is Dead” and shatter the vinyl, before removing her oversized, plastic-framed glasses and stabbing her in the eyes repeatedly with the shards.

3. Procure a King Cobra snake and place it in her trendy messenger bag.

4. Plant a crop of chick peas near the site of a nuclear plant explosion.Wait several months.Harvest the chick peas and create hummus.Invite her over to watch a Degrassi marathon on TV, offering the hummus (which we will tell her is organic) as a snack.Watch her stupid, mousy hair fall out from the radiation.