Times We Hate Our Friends

So, it’s Saturday night, you’re single, and you’re out there and ready to mingle. Lucky you, you’ve found yourself a cute freshman communications major who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She’s very adamant that you remember her name, it’s Erinn with two n’s. More importantly, she’s laughing at your jokes; she’s touching your arm; she’s a little bit drunk and so are you. Things are going great! And then, as if the gods of random hookups were throwing a Natty Light flavored lightning bolt of good fortune down upon you, the party gets broken up by the faux-po. Now you don’t even need to toss out a cheesy “wanna go for a walk?” line or some crap like that. She’s even a little bit scared and she grabs onto your arm like you’re a knight in shining hoodie. Things can not get any fucking better!!! But they can get a whole lot worse.
Out of no where your buddy Dave pops up in front of you and you can see from the glossiness of his eyes that he…is…HAMMERED. At first he’s all like “Bro, fucking campo’s are here, let’s go to Wendy’s, yeah?” And then, much to your dismay, displeasure, and misfortune, he notices Little-Miss-Rebound. He slurs out a “oh, heyyyy, I’m Dave, what’s up?” and you pray to those same gods of random hookups that he doesn’t try to hit on her. Your prayer is answered, but only because he does something worse. He tries to help. He winks at you, throws on a huge smile, and causes the following conversation.

Dave- Apparently you’ve already met my good buddy here. Isn’t he great? He is. He’s fucking awesome. He’s probably the coolest kid I know.
You- (trying to keep things chill) Thanks Dave, you’re crazy. Erinn, sorry for this guy, he’s clearly been partying pretty hard, haven’t you Dave? You should probably get outta here before the campo’s start taking down names, yeah?
Dave- (oblivious as fuck) Are you kidding, I would never abandon the coolest kid I know just because of some damn fake cops.
You- Yeah but dude…
Dave- So it’s Erin, huh? Well, Erin, did you know that this guy is probably the coolest kid I know? He’s fucking amazing. See how he’s looking out for me right now? He’s always helping his friends out. He’s the best friend a guy could have. (Another unintentionally obvious wink to you) One time he saved a class of 4th graders from a Grizzly Bear. Swear to God. He fought it off with his bare hands. Actually, he didn’t even have to fight it, he just fucking growled at it and it ran away. Pretty fucking amazing huh?
Erinn-(confused and scared) Yes, I guess that’s pretty amazing, but…
Dave- Damn fuckin’ straight its amazing. Did I mention that you two look adorable together? You two should dance or something. My buddy is a mad good dancer. He’s like a combination of Justin Timberlake and M.C. Hammer, no joke. C’mon, let’s dance!

After about four seconds of Dave awkwardly dry humping both you and Erinn, she says she has to go the bathroom and you never see her again. The next day, you see Dave. In the most ironic twist of all, he says to you “Yo dude, you owe me, I totally got you laid last night?”
So you punched him in the head.