Staff Picks

Amir Blumenfeld

This Is Why I'm Actually Hot

by Amir Blumenfeld on

I’m hot cuz I’m fly,
You aint cuz you’re not,
This is why This is why This is why I’m hot.

I’m hot because on weather.com,
It said it would be 55,
But now it’s sunny and clearly warmer than that.
I mean, my car thermometer says 71, and that usually lowballs it.
This is why This is why This is why I’m hot.

I’m hot because I’m wearing a wool sweater,
I thought it was cotton, because I have a green cotton one as well,
That’s the risk you run when you shop at J.Crew.
And I can’t really take it off because my undershirt is the one I went to the gym in, and it has pit stains.
This is why This is why This is why I’m hot.

I’m hot cuz there’s, like, 300 people at this party.
I mean, it’s cold outside so I need to layer up,
But when I come in here, I just can’t breathe.
I’m gonna take off my jacket. Wanna just put our jackets in the corner? We’ll put them here, don’t worry I’ll keep an eye on them.
It’s not gonna get stolen, nobody wants your shitty jacket just put it here on mine. It’s fine. The floors not dirty. Look, touch it. See? It’s clean.
This is why This is why This is why I’m hot.

See More
Like this Article
URL Close
Amir Blumenfeld

Amir Blumenfeld

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
Work Sucks Awful work stories See All »
Up +60 Down
Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.