Anyway, I don't need a girl I've got Boots, my cat. Actually, he's been a real pain lately. If he doesn't get the souls of ten rapists every day, he gets really, really cranky. The worst part is he'll only eat the souls if they're heavy with regret. It's like "Boots! Just eat the souls! It doesn't matter if they're prepared a certain way, they're still the SAME SOULS!"
Lately I've been doing some lost-soul-searching, and it's occurred to me that over the past few thousand years, I've been getting complacent. When I first shacked up here, I was thinking up all kinds of ingenious punishments: pushing a boulder up a hill just to watch it roll back down, vultures eating your liver only to have it grow back, all the classics. Nowadays, I settle for "you'll get sawed in half slowly every day." I'm making a resolution to improve my my eternal tortures. Stay tuned.
A question I get asked a lot is "Which bad things that happen in the world did you cause?" So here's a partial list, with credit given where credit is due.
Darfur: All me
Earthquakes in Indonesia: Nope, God
AIDS: My birthday present to myself
Cat AIDS: Yes (don't tell Boots)
Your long commute: On the 95, yes; on 3 and 17, it's just the construction
When you're walking behind someone and they're going really slow, so you go to pass them, and they sort of shift over in front of you: Sorry, yes
The wet kind of poop where you have to keep wiping over and over and over: That's just your diet
The Magic Bullet Blending System: Yes, but not in connection with my evil duties, just as sort of a side project.
Mind of Mencia: No, but I'm a fan.