"Performing An Inspirectomy: Tearing An "Inspirational" Quote To Pieces" by Adam Hrabik

Inspirational quotes are everywhere. They're on your graduation invitations, on your professor's wall, and on your Starbucks cup. Apparently they're meant to inspire you, but to do what, and why? As I'm going to show you, inspirational quotes are mostly full of shit. Here's a fun quote I'll be ripping apart:

"If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies." -Nadine Stair

Really? If you had to live your life over, those are the only things you would do differently? You have got to get your priorities in order. You know what, this quote is so asinine, I'm going to break it down. For funsies. Let's start with the first line:

"…I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall."

Gosh, I would just love to join you on your barefoot quest, but unfortunately I have this thing called school, and I'm pretty sure they'd look at me really weird.

What would compel her to want to spend more time barefoot? The only thing I can think of, is that Nadine Stair was a kinda-hippie. Not a fully-fledged hippie, a kinda-hippie. Also known as a sorta-hippie and an almost-hippie. She probably smoked pot and protested the war, but she wasn't quite into the whole vegetarianism and barefoot aspect of hippyism, and was thus shunned by the hippie community. What she wouldn't do to just have their respect…

"I would go to more dances."

You know, I've only ever been to two dances, and they were called Homecoming and Prom. Maybe Nadine wishes she had failed a year of high school, so she could attend these events once more. Or perhaps she wished she went to a middle school that held dances. There's really nothing more fulfilling than standing on the opposite end of the gym from members of the opposite gender. At least she wouldn't have to buy new shoes for the occasion.

"I would ride more merry-go-rounds."

This is usually the kind of thing you hear someone say right before they're introduced to the concept of Megan's Law. Seriously, if I saw a full-grown adult on a merry-go-round, the only thought that would pop into my head is: I don't think he walked the 1000 feet from his house to the school just for the motion sickness.

"I would pick more daisies."

I'm actually going to give Nadine the benefit of the doubt on this one. If she wants to spend hours on end ripping daisies out of the ground, go for it. But that's probably another reason the hippie community never accepted her: her thirst for the constant slaughter of helpless daisies. They can't even bite you in self-defense. She could have at least said, "I would pick more thistles." Then she would at least have to fend off the thorns.

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