Missing reporter April O’Neil found in city sewer system. Claims to have been abducted and abandoned by “ninjas”. Survived for days on diet of turtles and rat – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

An Italian national was taken into custody after posing as plumber and jumping on a local women’s toilet, breaking the tank and causing major water damage. Hallucinogenic mushrooms were found on his person – Mario

Charges pressed against “batty” billionaire after two captives, an elderly manservant and a local orphaned boy, escape from cave dwelling. Sexual misconduct may have occurred – Batman

Local inventor Mr. Robotnik arrested for animal cruelty after creating death machine designed for killing hedgehogs – Sonic the Hedgehog

Rich Socialite pals Paris Hilton and Lara Croft wreck museum’s Egyptian exhibit after night of partying. Curator declined to press charges – Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 destined for LA crashes. There were no survivors. The flight was quickly recovered off the Hawaiian Coastline – Lost

Local photographer/nerd Peter Parker dies from poisonous spider bite during field trip, lab officials decline to comment on tragedy. He is survived by hisaunt and uncle. Legal action has not been ruled out– Spiderman

Parent groups and Catholic organizations join forces in an attempt to close a Scottish school designed to teach “witchcraft”. The group’s spokesman Tom Riddle claims school responsible for the youth’s moral decline/sexual promiscuity – Harry Potter

Empire ruthlessly crushes rag tag rebellion after Ben “Obiwan” Kenobi issues fatwa. UN issues strongly worded letter requesting the Emperor consider ceasing genocidal campaign against Jedi religious sect now that they are all dead – Star Wars