The Morning After, Lost: Just Tell The Girl You're Too Bloody Scared

We’ve all been there. We’re depressed: the person we love kisses someone else on the playground, takes someone else to the prom, or has a picnic with someone else on the beach of a deserted island under a tarp several weeks after one of them was in a plane crash, and the other was part of a clandestine and possibly diabolical scientific experiment. Yeah, we all know what that’s like.

We’re upset, even though we don’t want to admit it. So, we throw ourselves into the arms of Option 2, someone whose attention we don’t crave as much as that of Option 1. And, maybe we kiss Option 2. Maybe we let them go down on us. And, some of us, I’m assuming, fuck the shit out of Option 2 in a forceful Monster’s Ball style sex session to make all of our problems disappear, for at least a moment.

Kate, we were all stoked about the cameos from your bra and panties. And, while we love to watch you and Sawyer get it on, when you threw yourself at him with a tear-streaked face after seeing Jack with Juliet, I really just wanted to give you a hug. Hang in there, girl!

Here’s what went down this week, in a can of Dharma beans:

Desmond has a vision that Charlie will die and Penny will come to the island. He takes Charlie, Hurley, and Jin across the island, and almost sacrifices Charlie’s life to find Penny. Instead, a mysterious chick falls from the sky in a helicopter crash. She says Desmond’s name and then passes out. Kate and Sawyer have intercourse.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Desmond was a monk. He had been engaged to a girl named Ruth, and he left her just before the wedding to join a monastery. It was upon leaving the monastery that he met Penny. The monastery is also where Desmond picked up the whole “Brother” thing.

2. Monks can be fired. I totally did not know that. “Fired?” Really? Shouldn’t it be called “asked to step down” or “de-robed” or something?

3. If Lost gets canceled and they start a spin-off called “This Show Is Nothing But Sweaty Sawyer and Sweaty Jack Playing Ping Pong,” I would totally watch that show.

4. Sawyer can be sweet. He gave Kate a tape, even though it was stolen. He’s really an ass but when he did that, I said, “Awwwww!” aloud. This makes me think that I might become one of those women who lets her husband beat her as long as he buys her flowers every couple of months. O, crap.

5. Scary campfire stories can still be scary even in Korean.

6. Desmond’s visions are getting super clear. Even though he wasn’t exactly correct, it’s definitely worth pointing out that his psychic powers confirm any suspicions that the island has at least some supernatural powers.

7. Now that I’ve moved back to the East Coast, your Lost updates should be up 3 hours earlier. Then again, it’s now almost 3am, so nevermind…..