An Open Letter To The Dude That Used The Bathroom Before Me

Hey, How’s it going?

I hope defiling this bathroom made you feel better about yourself because it kind of ruined my day.I mean, I really needed to make boom boom, so not wiping off the seat was my bad, but because you left a deuce floating I figured there would be minimal piss on the seat.I was wrong.That’s cool, all me, my bad, but did you have to rip all the toilet seat covers in half and throw them on the floor so I didn’t even have the option of using them?Seriously, that was kind of mean.

OK, so I’ll take the blame for not giving myself a courtesy flush when I came in, but in my defense I didn’t smell anything…at first.As soon as I let a squeaker out, it stirred the air in the bowl and shot it between my legs into my face.So weak.I almost puked.I’m serious, were you really in such a rush you couldn’t flush?It’s cool though, my bad.But seriously what have you been eating?It smelled like moldy wasabi and meekrob.

The one thing that did kind of piss me off was that you took the time to unravel the toilet paper without tearing it, wiping with the back side, and then re-rolling it so I couldn’t see the dookie.It really ruined my day when I got your chocolate all over my fingers.I’m not sure if I should go get tested or what.I’m afraid to tell a doctor.

So anyway, I hope you’re feeling better, but on a more serious note, if you are reading this and have any fecal-borne diseases please hit me up, I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to do.