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Kev Kage

Expressions I Never Understood

by Kev Kage on

They say that English is one of the hardest languages to learn, because of all the expressions we use. But most of them make some sort of sense to me – like, “You’ve got as much chance as a one legged man in ass kicking contest” or “This sh*t is bananas!” Yet there are some expressions that even I, one who is fluent in English, do not quite understand. Let’s take a look at some of the more popular ones.

“I’ve Got to Piss Like a Racehorse”
My grandpa used to spend a lot of time at the track, and most of his stories that involved peeing either involved him accidentally urinating on himself or

purposely on others. But he never spoke of the horses peeing. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a horse pee, and I think it may in fact be a myth, not unlike girls pooping (which we talked about in a previous comment thread). Even if racehorses do pee a lot, out of all the things in the world to compare peeing to, why did we as a nation pick that?

Replacement Suggestions:
-I’ve got to piss like a guy who’s been drinking all night and hasn’t pissed yet.
-I’ve got to piss like Garth when he was at the Gasworks in Wayne’s World 1.

Maybe try one of those suggestions out this weekend, and see what sticks.

“It’s Hot as Balls (in Here)”
Again, I take issue with the fact that there are many things that can be hot…why do we use balls as the comparison point? It’s not that I’m saying balls can’t be
hot…trust me…last night it was so fucking hot in my room, those bad boys were hanging down to my knees, sopping wet and begging for a breeze. But balls can also be cold, too. And most of the time, my balls are pretty temperate.

Replacement Suggestions:
-It’s hot as Cindy Margolis circa 1999 in here.
-It’s hot as a rhino’s asshole, provided that the rhino we’re talking about lives in a really hot African jungle or some place like that.

“I’m so Hungry I Could Eat Your Mom’s Vagina Out”
I just don’t think it’s necessary to include the “your mom” part here. You can literally eat out any vagina and have the same effect.
Furthermore, you don’t really need to be hungry for this to happen – especially if the mom in question is a slut. Is she? ‘Cause, if she is…ya know…I kinda dig older chicks…she’d probably love me…

Replacement Suggestions:
-I’m so hungry I could eat the signature burger from every fast food chain in America…twice.
-I’m so hungry I could eat a fat guy.

I think that about wraps it up for me…but how about you? Are there any expressions that YOU don’t understand?

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Kev Kage

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