Morning After: 24 (4/23, sucka)

Going into this episode, I was pretty sure that Jack would begin the process of wasting a shitload of Chinese dudes. Yeah, he’s going to face some difficulties, but these fuckers are going down. He was going to kill everyone for the two years of torture bullshit anyway, and the Audrey-napping put it over the top, right? But then again, I also was pretty sure that Mirko Cro-Cop would not get his ass totally kicked by a Brazilian dude on Saturday, so who knows what the fuck is going on at this point. I’m basically trying to expect the unexpected. Did 24 deliver? Yes, just like Chinese food is delivered. This is not a racial slur, Chinese food actually is delivered regularly. However, if someone feels like a racial slur is involved here, I would totally go on an apology tour, but instead of hanging with Al Sharpton in Queens, I’d be drinking in Hong Kong with Hsu Chi or something. I’ll even wear an Imus wig if it will help this happen. You don’t think I’m serious about this? Then you don’t know me, foo.

Jack’s whole thing is to go after the Chinese guys and get Audrey back, though I’m quite sure these assholes were going down whether they had her or not. He’s got it covered, all with a block of C4 to blow the whole joint up, but now that Jack’s “gone rogue”, Doyle is on site to fuck it all up. Audrey gets out of Cheng’s pimp limo (this limo should have been red with a big commie-sickle symbol on the hood, fuck I’d roll in that wag), Jack basically leaves a suicide-phone message with Bill, and all hell breaks loose. CTU’s C-Team (the first few fifty teams having been killed, bringing the death toll for the day from 12,000 to 13,000 or so) shoots up a few Chinese, countered by a suspiciously-bearded Chinese guy blowing up a CTU chopper, but Cheng escapes really easily using the three-SUV trick from Playing God, which coincidentally also involved Chinese dudes. They must have had a bootleg of it in advance. Anyway, Jack gets arrested by Doyle, Cheng is gone, and Audrey is all kinds of fucked-up brain damaged. Marylin’s stock is on the up.

Washington remains boring. Powers bullies Lennox into being his bitch, and a black dude from the Department of Justice is demanding that either Karen Hayes or Bill Buchanan take the fall for having Fayed in custody last year and letting his crazy ass go. Why is Karen so shocked about this? If you’re delivering pizzas, for example, and your job includes not having the joint burn the fuck down, and the joint burns down, you’re god damn fired. The good news is that at least for now, Nadia is in charge of CTU, so hopefully she’ll get back into a skirt and rock that sucka all over the premises. Anyway, the black dude from DoJ better look out, this show kills more black dudes than the Texas judicial system.

The remainder of the show was spent with Powers Boothe demanding anal from his robotic assistant Lisa. She’s down, but who cares? Old-people porn has never sold, it never will. Even old people don’t want to see old people doin’ it, it might as well be in the Constitution.

Nadia’s minute: Things are looking up for Nadia, as Bill’s firing has put her in charge. But the best part of the show was the continuing emasculation of Milo. As Doyle “investigates” the spot where Jack ditched satellite tracking, he determines from about 10 feet of tracks that Jack is heading north on the 305. Milo stupidly asks, “How did he know that?”, to which Nadia quips, “Because he figured it out.” Milo basically should have just slammed his balls in a car door at this point for all the good they’re doing him. Christ, if his renewed efforts to hit on Chloe fall flat (likely), what’s he going to do? Karen Hayes’ white-raisin ass? Fuck you, Milo. Later on, Nadia confirms that Doyle’s conclusions are correct. She’s basically standing in a puddle at this point.

BONUS MORNING AFTER: DRIVE! Basically it’s Cannonball Run, but with the guy from Firefly in the Burt Reynolds gig. The white ho from Hustle & Flow is also in it. This week, everyone gets/figures out a clue (same thing last week) and drives reckless across Georgia. Then again, since half the south is currently blowing a .18 or better, is this really newsworthy? Whatever. It’s actually a pretty cool show, though Mercia Monroe does not appear topless.