Jake Explains It All

So you’re sitting in your room right now. Your roommate is at class. He’s not coming back for at least an hour and a half. You don’t have anything to do the rest of the day. Sure you have a lecture this afternoon but you can get the notes from someone. Come on. I know someone you’ve been neglecting for too long. The well that never runs dry, the gift that keeps giving, it’s time to reunite your penis with your hand.

Bolt your door: Sure, your roommate isn’t supposed to be back for a while, but sometimes he gets out early and you don’t want to be caught dick handed.

Get some lotion: I recommend Jergens Shea Butter Skin Enriching Moisturizer. But any lotion will do. Also be sure to have some tissues, a roll of toilet paper, a tube sock, your roommate’s ski hat or a dark corner under your desk to ejaculate into.

Find porn online: Just found out the internet has porn on it. It’s kind of awesome. “Big Tits” “Hot Ass” “Rim Job” “Donkey Fuck” whatever floats your boat, just type it into a decent search engine and you’re good to go.

Have at it, hos: You’re cruising down the masturbation super highway going at the speed of bliss. Take any exit you like, each one is more glorious than the next. Orgasmville is right around the corner. Unfortunately you’re also going to have to drive through Cleanuptown and Shame Haven. But don’t think about that now, you’re on the ride of your life!