After World War II, the Soviets and the United States became the two world superpowers. The two countries split up Germany into East Germany and West Germany. They also split up the city of Berlin, and put a giant wall in between the two. Now, this wall was initially barbed wire, but when they built a concrete wall, it was filled with the bodies of captured Nazi soldiers. Oh, you don't believe me? Have you ever seen a graveyard for Nazis? No, of course not, they don't exist. Why didn't they find the bodies when they opened the wall back up? Because the Soviets were testing their flesh-eating acid bombs, and they mixed some of the acid in with the concrete. Don't dispute me.

Now, the main fear of the Cold War was that the Americans and the Soviets were going to nuke the entire planet into oblivion. Well, that was never going to happen, because neither country had nuclear weapons. Both countries were bluffing their asses off. "But if we didn't have nuclear weapons, how did we bomb Japan?" I can hear you asking, you smarmy little shits. Well, we didn't have the weapons then either. Japan did. In a behind-the-scenes deal, Japan agreed to set the bombs off themselves in exchange for being able to produce 97% of all electronics sold in America by the year 2000. It's true, look it up. Moving on.

Oh, I still see some skeptics. Well, let me give you this little tidbit: The Space Race should have been called the Moon War. Because that's what it was. Behind the backs of the public, the Soviets and Americans began collaborating. They were trying to set up an attack on the Moon Men. Yes, there are Moon Men! JFK wasn't shot by Oswald, or the CIA, or J. Edgar Hoover, or the Soviets—he was shot by Moon Men! They dropped from the sky in their little Moon Scooters and plugged him in the head, then flew away! Why do you think Kennedy wanted to get to the moon? Because the Moon Men were after his head, that's why! And so Armstrong and Aldrin boarded Apollo 11, armed with blowtorches and grenade launchers (Moon Men are very susceptible to burns) and set off to destroy the Moon Men. And destroy them they did! Then they came back to Earth and filmed the fake moon landing in the desert in Nevada somewhere, because you can't show the public images of two guys in space suits blasting away at Moon Men, they'd think you made it all up!

Finally, in the 1980s, the Cold War came to an end, mostly because both sides were bored. Gorbachev sent John Hinckley, Jr. to try and kill Reagan, but that didn't work, so Gorbachev called him in the hospital and said, "Well, I got nothing else. You?" The two discussed further schemes to lengthen the conflict, but in the end they decided to cut their losses. Which is weird, considering Gorbachev and Reagan were actually the only two Moon Men left in existence after 1969. They found human bodies and jumped into their skins, determined to destroy Earth by finishing the Cold War the bad way. Unfortunately for them, humans are much better at coming up with crazy ideas. So the two Moon Men picked two more humans to put back in the empty skins. "Gorbachev" picked an easily forgettable Russian, while "Reagan" picked a decrepit old actor with a brain disorder.

What, you don't believe me? Hey, listen up, smartass, it's called a li-brar-y! Put down the Nintendo Wii for a few hours and pay a visit there! Besides the Wii was created to turn you all into mindless, easily conquerable drones. But if you don't want to listen to me, fine!