CH Video Games Weekly

Jeff: I not only beat Final Fantasy VII, I also took over 10 hours to raise a golden Chocobo. You need a gold chocobo to get the most powerful attack in the game, as if that excuses it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand what I was thinking. It’s not only my biggest regret in video games, it’s my biggest regret ever. And I’ve fathered two abortions.

Kevin: I think I’d have to go Dance Dance Revolution. I pop in a buck, dance three songs, and feel like I am having a heart attack. I have to be wheeled away after I’m done. That’s enough exercise for me for a month.

Jeff: At least any time wasted on Dance Dance can be written off as exercise. I spent TEN HOURS breeding and racing enchanted ostriches.

Kevin: I have a friend who is over 90 hours in Oblivion, and he hasn’t done a damn thing. You’re supposed to be closing gates and saving the world. He’s collecting pussy-willows to make potions. Why fight enemies when you can make flower arrangements?

Jeff: Think about the other things I could have done with those 10 hours. I could have been beating a different video game!

Kevin: I regret the fact that I played Disney Princess for Gameboy. My cousin’s kid was stuck at a part, and I had to help her through. Five hours later I had finished the game, and felt more like Princess Jasmine than ever before. At the time I thought that was a good thing.

Kevin: If we’re talking strictly from a physical standpoint, I am the spitting image of King Hippo from Punch-Out! People punch me in the stomach in public and expect my shorts to fall down.

Jeff: I’ve always thought I had a lot in common with the guy from Contra. No matter what life throws at him, he keeps moving to the right. Never go left, that’s my philosophy. Though, I guess sometimes you have to go up.

Kevin: I don’t know, I always thought Red and Blue were kind of… special friends. Just the fact that one of the guns was called “Spread” had me suspicious.

Jeff: Oh then never mind, I totally love women! I’m changing my answer. Maybe I’m Duke Nukem.

Kevin: Isn’t Duke Nukem up on sexual harassment charges? He’s had a new game “in the works” for years now. I figured that’s what was holding him up.

Jeff: That’s how you know he’s a real man.