A Tale of Two Scientists

Year: 1687. Two different apples from two different trees on separate sides of town fall on two different scientists heads. Each comes up with a revolutionary idea.

(Mr. William Hornstein, rushing towards Town Hall runs into Sir Isaac Newton)

Hornstein: (Out of breath) Oh hello, Sir Isaac. Lovely day, no?

Newton: It is indeed, Mr. William. I'm just on my way to make an announcement at town hall.

Hornstein: As am I! I'm going to BLOW them away. Let's go together, shall we?

Newton: Surely. (Opens the door to town hall for Hornstein) After you.

(Both men burst into the town meeting.)

Newton: We scientists have important discoveries to announce!

Hornstein: Revolutionary! Earth shattering!

Newton: You first Mr. Hornstein.

Hornstein: No Isaac, I insist, you go ahead. (Under his breath) Best for last.

Newton: Very well. (To audience) I was sitting by a tree today when an apple fell and struck my head… I soon came to realize that every single point mass attracts every other point mass by a force pointing along the line combining the two. (Hornstein hiccups) The force is proportional to the product of the two masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the point masses. (Hornstein clears his throat) I use this equation. (Writing on a board)

F = G frac{m_1 m_2}{r^2}

(Mr. Hornstein begins coughing uncontrollably.)

Newton: Something to add Mr. Hornstein?

Hornstein: No, no. This is all just a little, well, odd to me.

Audience member: I get it.

Audience member 2: Makes sense to me.

Hornstein: Right then. I suppose I’ll step outside for a spot of water.

Newton: I'm almost through. (Continues) F is the magnitude of the gravitational force between the two point masses and G is the gravitational constant…

(Mr. Hornstein begins backing out of the room, he bangs his knee against a bench.)

Newton: What have you, Mr. Hornstein? Is there something the matter?

Hornstein: Nope. Just… stretching my legs.

Newton: Then I shall continue. As you can see, this formula is revolutionary. This information will change everything. Humanity as we know it. Everything will change.

(A makeshift helmet falls out of Hornstein's bag, emitting a loud thud.)

Audience Member: What is that… log?

Hornstein: NOTHING, Buffoon! (laughing to himself) It's not a log, though. (to Newton) Can you believe this guy? (Newton shrugs.)

Audience member: Well what is it? You said earlier it was earth shattering.

Hornstein: No, it's dumb, I was kidding. Forget it, nevermind.

Audience member: It looked like a log.

Hornstein: It's not a log. Forget it, not important.

Newton: I didn't mean to steal your thunder Mr.-

Hornstein: Shut up Ike! (collecting himself) Listen, you didn't steal my thunder. I'm just really tired right now and I just want to go home. This whole thing is just so, it's so gay. And I don't wanna be in your town meeting if I have this wicked headache and I'm really tired. That's all.

Audience member: You haven’t mentioned a headache before.

Hornstein: I didn’t think it would be an issue but now it is. Sooo, Okay?

Audience member: Well, just give us an idea about what it is-

Hornstein: Will you just drop it already? Geezus. It's not a big thing, alright? You're being so annoying right now. I'll tell you guys later.

Audience member: But you were so excited when you came in, you called it earth shattering…

Hornstein: Did I? Did I really? Did I also mention that you should just drop it? So why are you listening to some things I say, but not others? It doesn't make sense. Can you leave me alone for 5 seconds so I can leave and go home and go to bed now?

Audience member: Just tell us!

Hornstein: (Exasperated) It's, it's a protective headwear to keep apples from hurting your head if you sit under a tree.

Hornstein: No shit. I said- listen, I'm going out, I'll be back in like, two seconds.

Audience member: Where are you going?

Hornstein: On a walk I said.

Audience member: You never said that.

Hornstein: Well now I did.

Audience member: It's just-

Newton: (To audience member) That's enough. (To Hornstein) I think it's a great-

Hornstein: Don't patronize me! (Turns and walks out)

Newton: (Turns to audience) Where was I?

Audience member: …Everything will change.

More By Jake Hurwitz