Totally True Facts That Don't Need Citations

1)God is a woman, and also a misogynist.

2)Porcupines lactate twice monthly, whether they’re pregnant or not, from one of three-dozen anuses. Or is it anii?

3)It’s anii.

4)All books published before 1871 were written in the blood of prepubescent virgins.

5)Babies are refundable as long as the tamper-evident seal has not been broken.

6)The last word of the Old Testament is “scrotal”, although it is not in reference to scrotums.

7)It’s actually scrotii.

8)The telephone was invented for the sole purpose of prank-calling Alexander Graham Bell’s assistant and calling him a fag.

9)The word “douchebag” is actually derived from a sixteenth-century French root-word meaning “man of noble stature”.

10)In every “Where’s Waldo” book ever made, there never once appeared a character named “Waldo”. The guy in the striped shirt was named Phillip. Joke’s on you.

11)The original computer keyboard had one key, the name of which has been kept secret for centuries. Yes, centuries.

12) The movie Shrek was actually written as an anti-American propaganda piece in the late 1940s by Heinrich Himmler.

13) If you tape two kittens together back-to-back and then toss them in the air, both will inexplicably land on their feet still taped together. This phenomenon has not been scientifically explained.

14) “Carlos Mencia” is actually the stage name of one Khalid Al Akhef, a Saudi Arabian biochemical engineer known for the invention of Sarin gas.

15) If you make a mixed drink out of Everclear and Natural Light, it is physically impossible to become intoxicated by drinking it. This is attributed to a chemical reaction between the ethanol in the Everclear and an added preservative in the beer.

16) If you place a television, microwave and desktop computer in a triangular shape roughly five feet in area, you may be able to read people’s thoughts if you call them on your cell phone while all three appliances are operating.

17) It is physically impossible to stab yourself through the sternum with a spoon.

18) Fire is flame-retardant.

19) Mentally-challenged males possess, on average, eleven-inch penises.

20) Sorry: penii.