Text Messages Decoded

In this modern world of vast technology, we have a variety of devices available to us for enhancing our communication. Unfortunately, we have all experienced the dark side of these so-called enhancements. Sarcasm is misinterpreted, nuances are lost, and intonation is nowhere to be found. Text messages are particularly vulnerable to such misinterpretation. However, there is one tool you have at your disposal to decode these text messages: the time at which it was received. Below are a few examples.

“It’s been a while. How u been?”
1:00 pm translation: “Sorry I didn’t call you back, and it would be awkward to call now.Please don’t be mad at me.”
10:00 pm translation: “Why the hell haven’t I heard from you yet? You’re starting to piss me off.”
3:00 am translation: “Wanna f*ck?”

“Wanna come over?”
1:00 pm translation: “I just got a Wii.
10:00 pm translation: “I just got two cases of Natty”
3:00 am translation: “I just got a boner”

“This test is gonna blow”
1:00 pm translation: “I need somebody to study with, you’re my last hope”
10:00 pm translation: “I’ve given up, I will fail miserably, and I hope I won’t be the only one”
3:00 am translation: “Beej?”

“I love you”
1:00 pm translation: “Thanks for making me dinner, giving me a massage and watching football, deadliest catch and MXC with me back to back last night.”
10:00 pm translation: “I’m lonely”
3:00 am translation: “You feel better than my right hand.”

“What r u up 2”
1:00 pm translation: “I just got back from lunch and I’m bored.”
10:00 pm translation: “It’s Saturday night, I’m sitting at home and I’m desperately trying to find something to do so I don’t feel like a loser.”
3:00 am translation: “I’ve reconsidered my stance on you putting a finger in my ass.”

“I’m so fucked up’”
1:00 pm translation: “I had a really fun night last night, and I’m still feeling it”
10:00 pm translation: “I’m at home, drinking alone. Please think I’m cool”
3:00 am translation: “..But I still think I can climax if given enough time!”

“I have cancer”
1:00 pm translation: “No seriously, I do.”
10:00 pm translation: “Hahahaha! Gotcha!”
3:00 am translation: “Don’t worry, you can’t catch it from sex.”

*Special thanks to Matt for some inspiration with this