On Free Time

We all live busy lives. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. So I have come to a decision to optimize my life that I think makes a sacrifice I can live with: DVD extras. I’m done with these so-called “special” features.

We get it, movies are fun to make. Everyone had a blast. There were times that the stars just couldn’t help but bust out laughing to the point that off camera crew members could be heard laughing politely.

But it wasn’t all fun and games. Take the crazy make up. Can you believe the star had to sit in a makeup chair for 5 hours every morning? Sucks to be you, The Rock. Oh no wait it doesn’t.

Oh and the special effects” how did they do that? Let me take a shot in the dark: when they were filming the crazy magical parts of the film the entire background behind the actors was nothing but a green screen. I know what you are thinking; a green screen isn’t monsters dry-humping buildings then riding dragons in 360 degree matrix vision” IN SPACE!! But thanks to a bunch of nerdy guys with action figures on their computer monitors a few months later boom, movie magic. And by magic I mean a long boring process.

If I see one more chunk of footage of a man in a motion capture suit with ping pong balls glued to it I am going to send a turd back in my next Netflix envelope. “I’m Andy Sirkis, I played Gollum and King Kong!” Oh really I played a guy who was interested the first 90 times I saw you in a unitard with a ping-pong ball on your nutsack.

Of course, DVD is still my favorite movie format. I remember looking at my VHS tapes a few years back and thinking “these are great, but I wish I could destroy them forever by touching it on the wrong side” But just the feature of watching the movie will suffice from here on out. Take your extra discs and your Easter Eggs and save them for two years from now when the next new format shows up to make everyone throw out their DVDs. Throw in some extra nudity and maybe I’ll free up some time.

In Charlotte? Come see Mike Trainor at the Comedy Zone on September 20th.
Call 704) 348-4242 for tickets.