There are some important things you should remember about your special lady-friend. These are the things that can get you massive brownie points, and no matter what your friends tell you, it’s all about the brownie points when it come to the ladies. Trust me.

Here are some things to remember:

1. Anniversaries
   
   
   1. 1 week: This is very important. She will know what day it is, and she will have the countdown from 7 days. Be prepared. To get brownie points, all you have to do is surprise her before she gets you. This may be hard if you like to sleep in and she has a key to your house.
   
   

Here’s how a conversation should NOT go on the one-week.

Her: Hey baby! How’re you doing today?

You: Hi….can you….uhh…move…the TV is right there….and…..

Her: Today is such a nice day, isn’t it baby?

You: Uhhh, besides the rain and you blocking the TV, it’s beautiful.

Her: sobbing DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT TODAY IS?! full on tears

You: It’s fucking Saturday, that means football is on. Which you’re blocking…by the way.

Her: You’re such an asshole!! runs to the bedroom, slams the door

You: looking around It is Saturday, right guys? I mean…there is some football on, right? (pause)BABY!!! It is Saturday!!! Just thought you should know!!!

Bad. I cry for you. You will not have a 2 week.

1. 2 weeks: Not really a major thing, it just gets you some brownie points. Note to guys: If she considers it a serious relationship after this point, you might want to take your relationship into the woods and shoot it. Not the girl! NO! BAD! You go and you shoot the “RELATIONSHIP”. Meaning: dump her. For those of you who don’t get symbolic anecdotes. Jeez, kids these days, getting dumber and dumber.

1. One Month: This is another major one. If you’ve been with a girl for a month, things are starting to look up. You SHOULD be past all the little bullshit that drags a relationship down. Unless you’re in High School, then it will just be starting. High School sucks. End of story. To get some massive brownie points on this day, take her out to a nice dinner. To lose those brownie points? Tell the people it’s her birthday and steal her free cake.

1. Months (2, 3, 4,..etc) are all important to her. That’s how people judge relationships.

Random Girl: Hey! Ya’ller so cute together.

You: (whispers to gf)Did she just say ‘Ya’ller’? Let me get my gun…

GF: Aww, thanks. Sweetie, don’t be an ass.

RG: How long have ya’ll been together?

You: (frantic whisper to gf) There it is again. It’s pure retard pouring out of her mouth. CAN I PLEASE SHOOT HER?

GF: We’ve been together for 5 months. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I’m so excited.

RG: Well, I hope ya’ll have something good planed. (insert annoying laughter)

You: Fuck. I mean…uhhh, Good…luck? ON FINDING your own man!! I hope he’s just as uneducated as you. I mean, nice as you. (cough)

If you ever get lucky enough where she forgets the anniversary coming up, RUB IT IN HER FACE. Example:

Her: “Honey, can you go pick up some Mickey D’s?”

You: “But, baby. I’m watching football, and you forgot that it was our anniversary.”

Helllloooo McDonalds delivery service.

1. Years: If you make it this far with a girl, there’s no way for you to fuck it up. She must love you even if you call her “bitch” and forget about her at Wal-Mart sometimes. I understand, those video games can’t wait to get home and be played.

1. Her birthday: Forget this and you’re fucked.
   
   
   1. Conversation:
   
   

Her: So…what are you getting me?

You: A slap in the mouth if you don’t stop blocking the fucking TV!!

Her: No, not today. I meant for my—

You: I mean, honestly, you should play football. You block better than half the people on the fucking scr—GO GO GO!!!! YES!!! TOUCHDOWN MOTHAPHUKKA’s!!!

Her: Did you even remember that my birthday is tomorrow?

You: I don’t think I ever knew when it was… You just ruined my rock hard erection from watching that touchdown…

Her: Well…(sob) I’m going to go and call my mom.

You: Fuck. Well…baby, at least look at the new TV I bough…I BOUGHT YOU!! Yeah…that’s your new TV….flat screen….57 inch….(tear).

Her: Yay. A TV. Please, shoot me. I’m too excited.