I'm Sorry About Sugar Tits, Too (By The Way Apocalypto Is Now On DVD) by Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson’s apology tour promoting the theatrical release of Apocalypto focused on his healing efforts with the Jewish community—but he’s not done saying he’s sorry yet. The May 8 DVD debut of the Mayan epic will contain a deleted scene featuring Mad Mel’s other, overlooked apology—the one he made to the sugar-titted community. We are happy to present it to you exclusively, in its entirety:

From the bottom of my braveheart, I must apologize for my truly regrettable words and actions on the night of my arrest on a DUI charge. My behavior was, in a word, apocalypto. Under no circumstances, should I have referred to the female police officer on the crime scene as “sugar tits”—that was truly beyond thunderdome. No matter how tasty her breasts were, no matter how lickable her lethal weapons, even though she did indeed possess melt-in-your-mouth mammary glands, despite the fact that she actually had donut powder on her fun bags and that when you think about it “sugar tits” is kind of a compliment… I was clearly under the influence of alcohol and listening to too many Jerky Boys tapes, demons I have struggled with all of my adult life. I am not a bigtit, I mean bigot. It is against my faith to discriminate against the sugar-titted—Jesus hung out with prostitutes, many of whom probably had nutrasweet nipples. Plus, it would be career suicide for me to hate on the sugar-titted: Take a look at any magazine “rack” and you’ll see that women with sugar tits control the media. Some of my best friends and most-valued colleagues have sugar tits, such as Monica Bellucci, whose holy cannolis were on display in my film The Passion Of The Christ and Goldie Hawn, whose macaroon meat I groped during filming of 1990’s Bird On A Wire. But I’m not just asking for forgiveness: I want to take it one step further (maybe even more if things are going well) and meet with leaders in the sugar-titted community (such as Scarlett Johannson and Jenna Jameson, just to throw out a couple of names). I want to begin the appropriate feeling, um, healing process. In fact let’s meet tonight, around 9 pm, at the bar of Hooter’s.
Sin-cerely,
The Road Warrior