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Pick-Up Lines of the Incredibly Creepy

You’ve seen them in the clubs, usually far away from the dance floor, clinging to the bar. They eye everything that comes through the door: big, small, male female, doesn’t matter to them. If that’s not enough for you, you can also weed out the stalkers by listening for these famous pick-up lines.


  • Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from the top bunk on August 28th at 7:35, in your room which I call Heaven?
  • Are you from Tennessee? Because your license plate says so. I had to follow you for four hours to get you to stop. Which house was yours?
  • Is that a keg in your pants? No? Can I put a tracking device in there?
  • Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I will knock you unconscious when you leave and drag you home by your hair.
  • Do you have a boyfriend? That was a rhetorical question, I know you haven’t since Johnny McDale dumped you three weeks ago this Thursday.
  • Hi, I’m foreign. I have Russian hands and Roman fingers. Wanna see them? They’re from the last girls to turn me down.
  • You remind me of Pokemon. I wanna pikkachu. I also want to keep you in a giant plastic ball in my basement.
  • That shirt would look great on my floor. Right next to the pile of panties I stole out of your dryer. They smell like you.
  • I wanna show you my “Oh!” Face. I keep it hanging up in my trophy room, with all my other exes.
  • fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap squooge Imagine that inside you. I do, everyday. WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.