This week I'm heading to Boston University, Madison and then Green Bay. And I'm just starting to come to grips with a show I did a few weeks ago, which I'd like to call "the cancer show incident." It all started when I was asked to perform at a children's' charity Golf Tournament in New Jersey. So I said yes, because secretly I enjoy golfing and so does my brother, Joe Bags, who is America's guest.

So we show up at the golf course bright and early and we're met by the guy who had booked me. So I ask him a little about the event, trying to feel out whether it's going to be a tough gig. Let me preface this by saying that I love my job. I thank Allah every day that I can tell jokes for a living. But once in a while I am put in a situation that doesn't help the cause of making people laugh. Whether it's a bad sound system or I'm following a juggling goat, I'm always wary of situations where I walk up on stage and I don't stand a chance. So I say to the guy, what kind of show is it that I'm a part of and he says "Well, there are a few speakers, and then the golf awards, and then you." And I'm a little concerned about the part when he says "a few speakers," because that could really be anything. But I say ok and we go play golf. And the whole day in the cart we kind of bounce jokes back and forth about golf that I could do in the show. And I'm feeling pretty good, and after golf, we head over to the clubhouse for the event, and this is when the trouble begins.

So Joe and I are sitting in the back of the room as the first speaker is introduced. She is a woman whose son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at the age of 5 months. Now let me be very clear that I am not making fun of this woman. As a matter of fact, it's one of my greatest fears in life is that I'm holding a baby and the baby just dies and everyone's like "Mike killed the baby." But it is also one of my greatest fears to have to perform comedy to an audience who has just heard a woman give a speech about her son who died from SIDS. Now I hate to say it, but it gets much worse. The next speaker is an 11-year-old boy with leukemia. And guess what, he's not doing his best five minutes on panda bears and his wacky brother who sells his kitchenware on Ebay. As a matter of fact, he focused on his recovering from leukemia bit. So at this point Joe looks over at me as though I've just been diagnosed with leukemia and says, "this ain't lookin' so good." But it gets much worse. Because the last speaker to get up is Phil Simms, beloved New York Giants Hall Of Famer and network television broadcaster. Simms gets up and gives the most charming, heart-warming and funny address; he also tells a couple of jokes about golf while he's at it, mostly the same ones that Joe and I had written earlier that day. It was like watching the last drops of water spill out of my joke canteen. And at the end of his speech, there is a standing ovation, and of course there is, it's clearly the end of the night. Certainly, there couldn't be someone more famous than super bowl champion quarterback Phil Simms. But wait, there was. It was unknown comedian Mike Birbiglia, who HAD NO BUSINESS BEING AT THIS EVENT. So after Simms, three quarters of the audience just gets up and leaves, as they should have, leaving 45 people left in a room that fits about 300. Why do they stay? Because after the unknown comedian, there is a raffle. Well, desperate situations call for desperate measures. So did Mike Birbiglia rise to the occasion? Oh no, he didn't. As a matter of fact, he slipped into his trademark move of making awkward situations even more awkward. About five minutes into his set, he meandered into material about his first sexual experience in high school, the one where the girl he was dating whispered in his ear "rape me" and he didn't know what to do because he hadn't even had sex regular. Needless to say, this joke was way over the head of 11-year-old leukemia survivor sitting in the front row. A little free advice for any aspiring comics out there, when you're performing for a Children's Charity, stay away from jokes that have the words "rape me" in them.

About 11 minutes into my 20 minute-set, I threw in the towel. I walked off and I don't know if I've ever been more embarrassed. I said "Joe, we're leaving." And that's when Joe said "I can't Mike. They're just about to start the raffle and since everybody left, my odds are amazing." So I waited in the car alone. Twenty minutes later Joe Bags arrived with his arms full of raffle prizes. He had a Merino Wool Sweater, a dozen golf balls, and a Callaway umbrella. So I guess we both got something after all. Joe got some new items for EBAY and I got this story.

That concludes this entry in my Secret Public Journal.