I would like to discuss something very important, and very personal with you. It's about my sweet virgin flower. Now I know a lot of you kids are having pre-marital sex, and though it is a mortal sin, I won't judge you. That's His job. But I do feel it to be part of my Christian obligation to inform you that sexual relations outside of marriage are wicked and dangerous. I want to save not only your souls, but also your genitals from the burning flames of Hell.

How do I know so much about sex when I've never had it?

My mother. While the rest of you were sitting through your mandatory weekly sex ed course, my mother Dorothy was making me undergo six intensive, religiously-based information sessions daily. I know more about sex than most doctors. Why, I could spot a case of syphilis from across the street, Janet. I could see a Herpes outbreak on the bus, Tom Jenkins. I could even tell the last time you infected yourself with HPV from auto-fellatio, Alfred Crosby of 210 S. Walnut.

I am a veritable walking diagnostic kit.

And because I know so much about sex, I have decided not to have it - ever. This might seem odd, because according to most reputable sources (Catholic priests, televangelists, and the GOP) there is nothing inherently wrong with sex in the confines of marriage. In fact, marital sex is so not wrong that some Mormon groups have enough marital sex for one or two or three of our normal human marriages.

Still, I think it wise to not only follow the letter of the law, but to go beyond the letter of the law. After all, if God gives passage into Heaven for doing all the required stuff, just think what he does for those who go above and beyond!

Ye, verily, God rewards greatly the overachiever.

Nevertheless, I have the same temptations as the rest of you and I know that it will be difficult, what with all those sexy movies, lingerie ads, and men's fitness magazines. But I am confident that my strictly heterosexual mastubatory practices will be handily rewarded in Heaven. I fully expect God to give me a horde of beautiful virgins to deflower while the rest of you pagans are getting raped in Satan's prison.

But rejoice, for it is not too late! If you all stop having sex today and spend everyday after groveling for forgiveness, you too can receive eternal bliss and the dignity of a celibate lifestyle.

So what's it going to be? Heaven on earth or heaven in Heaven? The flames of lust on earth and the flames of Hell in Hell? The mildly uncomfortable post-coitus conversations or the mildly uncomfortable waiting room of Purgatory? I leave the choice to you.

Yours in Christ,

Dave