Misery loves company, so what do you do when you find out old Billy Bob is now living in a million-dollar mansion and driving a Porsche (but also going by the name "Bobbie"�"¦and she dots the "i"� with a heart)? You become bitter like Molly and Megan, you motor-boating son of a bitch!


Situation: "You and your ex
Sitting in a tree
F-U-C-K-I-N-G
First comes the breakup
Then comes disparage
Then comes the ex with a baby carriage."�
What you think:
Girl = Thank god I never believed in that "But I swear I'll pull out" shit!
Guy = Shit, I bet it's mine.
What you say:
Girl = "I hope his son is better endowed than his daddy."�
Guy = "But I totally pulled out!"�


Situation: You open up your closet to hang up your new graphic tee and find your ex coming on out.
What you think:
Girl = Is that why he ran to the bathroom in the middle of Brokeback Mountain?
Guy = Where's my Johnson & Johnson?
What you say:
Girl = "Is this because I let you do me up the butt?"�
Guy = "Can I get fries with that threesome?"�

Situation: You bump into your ex and (s)he tells you that (s)he's pretty much the next Donald Trump - and now that you think about it, they do kinda look alike.
What you think:
Girl = Maybe I can get over that whole "Can I pee on you?"� thing after all"¦
Guy = She always was smarter than me - she kicked my ass in Remedial Math.
What you say:
Girl = "Have you heard that Kanye West song - "˜Gold Digger'?"�
Guy = "How many CEOs did ya screw?"�

Situation: It's always awkward to walk in on your parents having sex - especially when it's ONE of your parents"¦with your ex.
What you think:
Girl = If mom were to have his child, it would be the fucking anti-Christ.
Guy = Damn, I never really pictured my dad as a FILF.
What you say:
Girl = "How many years ago was your hysterectomy?"�
Guy = "Welcome to The OC, bitch."�

Situation: When your ex told you (s)he was behind bars, you thought they meant mixing moijitos.
What you think:
Girl = He did beg me to download that R. Kelly porno - I bet he's in for stach.
Guy = Shit, I hope they don't prosecute her customers.
What you say:
Girl = "I was gonna bring you some Brownies, but that's what got you in here in the first place."�
Guy = "So, uh, what's a conjugal visit cost these days, Chastity?"�

Situation: It was nice that Christina invited you to her wedding (OPEN BAR!), but it would've been nice to mention your ex was giving the sermon.
What you think:
Girl = Once when I called him "Daddy,"� he asked me to switch it to "Heavenly Father."�
Guy = Talk about a bad habit"¦
What you say:
Girl = "Father, please forgive, me for I have sinned"¦"�
Guy = "So what do ya wear under those robes?"�

Situation: When your ex told you (s)he moved in with someone, you didn't realize it was with six strangers "picked to live in a house, have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL."�
What you think:
Girl = Shit, I hope his audition video wasn't one of our sex tapes.
Guy = I hope she doesn't mention how I cry whenever I watch "The Notebook"�.
What you say:
Girl = "Do you know if Brad and Cam are still together?"�
Guy = "I would've thought you were a more likely candidate for "˜Elimidate."�

If any of you Mulder or Scullies out there have an Ex-File we didn't cover (i.e. your former flame got a sex change), send it to us at datemandm@hotmail.com so we can add it to our reports.