Who: Oh, you know - whatshername"¦the one with the hair
What: Her panic-stricken thoughts upon recognizing the bed she's in isn't hers
Where: Your shithole of a dorm room/apartment/frat house/trailer/igloo/van down by the river
When: At approximately 7:52 on your mom's birthday (don't forget to call her, asshole)
Why: Cause you HIT THAT SHIT last night, bro!

"¦Awoken by some intoxicated roommate after a six hour period of semi-sleepless spooning, I realize the severity of my situation: In nothing more than a Victoria's Secret Ipex bra, which, to be honest, did nothing for me that it claimed to have for Tyra Banks, I find myself encased in the arms of a random wearing Sponge Bob Squarepants boxers with a string of Tequila-scented drool running from his mouth to his Spider Man pillow.
Wiping the glitter eyeliner that somehow went astray during our sexcapade, I am well aware that I look like road kill. Dude, do me a favor and just ignore the fact that my green glitter eye shadow has migrated to my cheekbones, and that I look more like Tammy Fay Baker in the early morning than the hot/thin/boobilicious girl you met last night on the dance floor, k?
After scouring the dump that is your dorm room floor, I finally catch sight of the 50 cent thong I purchased at Sluts "˜R Us during their "Skanky Underwear for Under a Dollar"� sale; the only problem is that retrieving it entails walking bare-bottomed around the room - inconvenient considering some drunk dorm mate is jeering at me and my morning-afterness with glee. I guess now's really not the time to be a prude, considering the way I contorted my naked body the night before"¦.

So now, for the benefit of the pussy population, Molly and Megan present the penises (peni?) out there with the Dos and Don'ts of Morning After Etiquette.

- It's gonna be awkward anyway, so try to make some small talk. Ask her how she slept, and, if necessary, her name.

- Don't shower while she's still there. Or if you must, at least ask her to join.

- Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so either leggo your eggo or hoard your Fruity Pebbles "˜til she's gone.

- You don't like your roommate, so why would she? Protect her from the asshat's advances"”she's been through enough already.

- Remember the basket of clothes your mom usually donates to Goodwill? Start hording "˜em and hand grandma's stirrup pants out to the misguided souls you lure back - they may not thank you now, but they'll appreciate the 80s revival when they're preparing for the next theme party.

- Drive her home, please. Nothing is worse than doing the walk of shame and bumping into the guy you hooked up with the night before.

- If she leaves anything pseudo-important (her cell phone, her iPod, her water bra), try to track her down. Don't hold it hostage for another blowjob.

- If you're not going to at least call the girl (this is assuming you even have her number), don't try to make amends by Facebooking her"¦receiving the e-mail that's says "Danny McDouche has listed you as a friend"� reads as "Danny McDouche is never going to call you."� And even if you begin reminiscing about last Saturday night, it's never appropriate to poke.

- Wait at least three weeks before going home with her roommate. Have a little respect.

For a private lesson in morning after mannerisms, e-mail Molly and Megan at datemandm@hotmail.com